It's Never Too Late

I look back on my life, and ask myself, what have I accomplished?
Who has helped shape me in this life and how have I changed?
I don't like what I see, in fact I am disappointed in myself, because I pushed so many people away and left so many people out to hang dry. I wasn't a person that people look up to or someone they wanted to be a friend to, I was selfish and rude in so many ways. I wish I could get a second chance, but then I realize that today is my second chance, I just have to start being the person I truly am. People shape us, and those who really matter will stick with you no matter what your views and no matter what you decide to do in life.

I was a lonely child, and not many friends, and I chose to push so many people away because I didn't see myself as worthy to be around them, but I am not just a sheltered child,  I am an artist and a performer and I am a good person. I may have made more than a few mistakes in my life, and I may have gone down several paths I shouldn't have, but it's never too late to pick up the pieces and start again.

One mistake doesn't define you, and some friendships aren't meant to be, but the ones that are should be held on to. Don't lose someone because you didn't feel like answering their texts, don't forget about those who have stood by you through everything.
They are important, and so are you.

Feeling Fine

Fine. Does anyone know what that really means?
Freaked out, Insecure,Neurotic, and Emotional.
It is the definition of my life, I will never be good, or okay, or great. I will fake it, but I will always be fine. I learned years ago that the things that make you happy don't always work out. I struggle finding the light, and finding the happiness in situations. So I will pull on my big girl pants and put the lipstick on, but I will inside be broken and crying. All I wish for are comforting arms to wrap around me in a hug, to tell me it will be alright and I can let it go.
That will never be, because my walls are built up again, my eyes swollen shut- no more tears I swear.
I can be happy for them, and I can smile and laugh, but my true happiness will come when I finally let it all go and can live free with the person who helps me break down those chains.
So here is to feeling fine!
Let's celebrate that I have gotten this far and can still go on with out any one noticing the pain I am suffering through. I still hurt from my past, and it's left such deep scars that its gonna take a miracle to heal this.
Maybe I'll get lucky, you know you can only wish so much and then you realize dreams, wishes.. they are just a figment of your imagination. The day someone convinces me they are real, is the day I might just believe again.
So, world I will be fine. I am fine. That's what I'll say when they ask, and they will go on there way, little will they ever know!

There is No Looking Back

My piers have a saying, that you only live once. As much as that is true I don't agree with the actions that come along with that saying. People assume that when you say that you go do stupid shit that means nothing, but for me its not the same.
I will only live here with these people once, so why regret my decisions? Why sit here and think over the tedious things like should I kiss him, or should I leave him? No, I believe that if I feel something why not pursue it? There is nothing wrong in being happy, and enjoying what you have for the time you have it.
When you live this way, you don't waste time, and it seems like things progress faster than usual, but when you have that feeling, don't ignore it.
For example, I like a guy and I always have this thought to either kiss him or cuddle, so instead of sitting around waiting if the time is right, I won't be afraid to show my affection. If he says no, or doesn't want that then I don't take it personally I just know then that he doesn't want that.
Then I never live with the nagging feeling of what if..
So take life by the balls my friends, because its no fun hanging in the shadows.

Peace

Finding peace. One of life's hardest struggles. It's as if when we finally give up, the world throws all our guilt and pain back at us, reminding us of the terrible things we have done.
Peace. So many people find it easy to say, but don't be fooled by the religious advertisement. It's a lot harder than just accepting God.
Until now I have been kind careful about influencing any religious beliefs on anyone. I am not doing that here. I'm expressing what's happened to me in my life, so that you can learn from my history.
At the moment, among the hardest struggles of a college kid, I find it hard to touch base with peace. I know that it's the most important thing to do on my list though, because without peace your body and soul become entangled and lost in emotions you cannot decipher.
Yoga is most commonly looked upon as an exercise that can release tension so that you can find peace easier, but do not be fooled dear friends.
This matter, peace, is a lot harder to comprehend. If you have unfinished business or you are guilty or unhappy about something it is extremely hard for you to find the calm amongst the storm. First you need to figure out the problem that is keeping you restless,and address it.
Tonight, I found peace, granted I didn't find all of it, but I grasped on and I realized how only I can make a situation better in my perspective. Basically what I am saying is, its all in your control to find peace. You have to make the decision to be happy and calm and to deal with the matters that are distressing you.
I won't ever be completely satisfied unless I allow myself to be. I am not completely satisfied right now, but I am at peace with myself and the decisions I have made.
People, don't trick yourself into thinking that religion or some other tip will help give you peace, because only you can do that. So take the steps, to reconcile, to heal, to build up and to love. Only when you find what you love and allow yourself to be happy can you truly be at peace.

Going Home

Really your home is where your heart is, that is what they all say. Well it's true isn't it?
Not exactly. My heart doesn't exactly live in one place, but I know where my home is because I know where my heart is protected. I know where I have friends that will stand next to me, and fight every male or female who bothers me, they would spend all night worrying about my safety and health, and they would shower me with love.
Home is where I remember smiles, laughter and tears for no good reason. Home is the sound of pots and pans filling the sink and towel fights, cards against humanity nights, smash bros, and snuggles.
Home is with my family. It's not a conventional family, but its mine.
It's made up of Dad, Aunt, Sis, and Sis, Uncles and Brothers, and Him.
All of them.
Without one single person, it's not a family anymore, and we can always add to the family but you can't get rid of anyone of us, or we would just be a group of friends.
Each one of us has a role to play in each others lives, and without that person, we would be lost. At least speaking for myself, I can't go without my family.
Because I love them. I would die for them. Granted I don't know each and everyone perfectly well, and we have just started this family, but its grown on me, and they have the key to my happiness.
They know how to love me, and they know how to protect me. Without them I can't do it alone.
So fam, I am coming home, If you will have me, and I never want to lose you again. YOU mean the world to me.
Sincerely,
The girl, The once in awhile MOM, and the friend forever.

Pieces

I can see you staring

You wish and you wonder but you have no idea

My eyes cant close my heart is pounding

Its not long before its over

Its not long before I quit again

Running, its all I've ever known

But you stopped my heart reached out to me

Set me free

Let me be

Now look at me

It just ain't the same

Its just to hard the pain

But you never understood that

Didn't take that into consideration

No moderation

You kept going and I got lost

Cold and alone forever the cost

Don't take one more step towards me

I cant go on this way cause you tearing my heart into

Pieces

Drifting along the river

Just ripped apart

Like the cold breaking winter

So long my dear, there's only pieces left to part

God knows I'm trying

Crying

Broken on the stair case

I'm still seeing your eyes as we fight

There isn't nothin I wouldn't do to stop

But you keep on

Say we need

To go on

As if you had a plan

But really all along, you knew

It just wasnt gonna do

New Developements

So today started out normal, like any other day. I think today  more than ever I could not stop thinking about my boyfriend all day and I had a lot of other things on my mind concerning school, and my healthcare.
I got a call from my doctor and tomorrow I start on the medication for my heart. I am above being nervous, I am actually sorta panicking.
Life gets into a routine some days and when something jolts that around, it makes you stop and think about things. Well this heart condition has been a big bump in the road for a year now. I am nervous because of my background with pills, and depression and right now things are not stable enough for me to trust myself. I am not ready to begin a new life. I am stuck in my old ways, including my doubting and boy crazy self.
For example, my heart has been chained up for almost 3 full months now, and even before then I didn't let my guard down, but my current boyfriend makes me feel as if I should let my guard down so we can talk and connect. I agree, but I am also my old self who doubts every guy I am ever with. Recently I got advice from a friend that maybe I should take a step back and think about what I am getting into.
He is a great boyfriend but that's not the point.
First of all, I like this guy and I don't want to hurt him ever.
Second, He still needs time to figure out what he wants.
And third, I don't think he realizes how much I have not only become attached and how much I truly care.
I want whats best for him, and I would sacrifice being happy for that, but I know its gonna hurt, so I am still nervous.

I am super worried right now, because I really need a job and to concentrate on school, but I don't want to put him on the back burner. I need to get into a routine or I will be stressed to the max.
I think change is extremely hard to handle sometimes, but as I have learned recently- you have to go before your ready.

Down on my Luck

Frustrated. Damn right. No one saw this one coming. I took a sip and again I am down the drain, another one down and more on the way, not to mention the hate pouring from my heart.
I hope to wake up one day and feel like I can deserve some kind of praise. I need help. No body understands why I work so hard, because for me its not natural to do the things they do. I can't belt and I can't be perfect.
I am drowning in a world full of people who don't understand that what I am struggling through can't be fixed right away.
All I know to do is run, so I am gonna run far far away from all the thoughts and drowning, and i will eventually stop and find a place perfect for me, and maybe I will succeed at something. But for now I get to suffer through the pain and shit. Everything I know is a lie.
Why cant I just be normal or better at what I love?
Why did you curse me with this God?
I am not sure what I believe in anymore or who I should depend on, I know I have a good support group here and great friends, but I just can't handle this. I feel myself slipping back into depression and cutting and wanting to leave this place for ever. I will never make it in this world, I am a quitter. I don't believe in things lasting, because I have never succeeded. I want to stop the negativity but its too hard.
Suffering is just a passing by memory, one day I will go far and they will see that. I am sorry to go on like this,  but I just needed to vent. Help me out, let me know what I can do.

Lost in the Big Bad City

Chicago. Seattle. New York.
Danger around every corner, yet my home. I don't expect to get raped everyday or get robbed, but I know the dangers are still out there. What would I be if I let every little bad thing affect the way I live my life though? I will no doubt become lost several times in the city and probably one of these late nights I will find myself stranded with no phone or transportation. So let me make the best of what I do have and where I am.
So many people who live in the city lose touch with their humanity. I pass millions of people everyday who refuse to acknowledge that someone other than themselves exists. They plug in their devices and listen to whatever radio or music that isolates them from the nitty gritty. Look around you, behind you and beside you. There are thousands of people just waiting to connect, a smile, a handshake or maybe just a hello.
When did mankind find his phone more interesting than the woman who has lived 60 years of life and half of it on the streets? We need to open up our ears and eyes and live a little.
I challenge you to do something human, give each other a chance to feel connected and love each other.
Sometimes its really just a small hello.
Take the headphones out and experience the life, the hustle and the bustle of the city you live in. It's time to wake up America.

Let's Talk

Nobody wants to hear their partner say those four words "We need to talk". it is the worst feeling of doom in your life. One minute your relaxing and imagining you and your partner having dinner at a fancy hotel and the next your dreams are crushed. Eventually mankind will find a better way to communicate with each other but until then, here are a few words of advice when going blind into the gloomy situation.
Don't expect things to be destroyed yet you must prepare for the worst. Don't agonize over every little thing you think you could have done wrong, remember that we all have faults and maybe they just want a sincere talk. But who am I kidding? The one subject we all know to well is breaking up. It might happen, yes. I am not going to sit here and tell you that your better off, because what a hypocrite I would be. I fell myself teetering off the edge sometimes because I don't know what's running through his mind. But I am here to stand up for him and I and to fight for what I believe is right.
I look back on every time I told my partner(s) that  we needed to talk. I was down right evil because  I cut it off every time without giving it a second thought or letting them chime in on how they felt. I took advantage of the power situation and I hurt several people.

Maybe it's catching up to me, and maybe I will learn my lesson. My advice, you ask? Find the person who you care about so deeply that it will never cross your mind that you would break up when they say those infamous words. You are everything you make yourself to be.

Complications

My heart is stuck in a hard spot right now, because I have lost my last key to the walls I have built up.
I am not sure that I want to let go. I look at his eyes and I lose all control, there are so many things I want to tell him, and share with him, but I am not ready. I have built up all these lies and thoughts to deceive others until now. All I want to do is  give up to him and let the truth pour out.
He is the most important thing to me in my life right now. I can't stop staring into his deep green eyes and imagine how would I make it in this life without him. Little does he know that I am messed up. I am scared and hurt to the point of breaking down every time I let those small little thoughts come into my mind. Life is complicated and when I am pressed to release my thoughts I panic.
Last night I ended up in the hospital due to my heart condition and I can't remember half the experience because all I wanted to do was talk to him the entire night. He has my heart in his hand and all he wants is for me to open up to him.
But i am confused by my past and lost because I have been through so much. How do I put my past behind me and let go of the lies that are holding me back? This is the question I have for you my love because I don't know what else to do.

Roses and Their Thorns

There are always ups to every situation, and then there are the downs. If you live your life looking at the downs you live completely consumed by the thorns of life. I know many sayings point to count your blessings or look on the bright side, but that isn't what I'm stressing. I am saying don't make yourself miserable when you can make it better.
Sometimes your just stuck in a shitty position. It happens, and most people just stay stuck. Not every situation you can control but if you had the chance to wouldn't you want to?
When you finally reach the point of exhaustion you have no energy to help recuperate yourself. You have to take the time to step out of the situation and ask yourself, Is this a good thing for me to be involved with right now? I think as an example college comes to mind. I recently moved into college for my freshman year and I have quickly realized that I have to think about what each event and activity will lead to. Am I ready to stay up all night and get up early or should I take another look at this?
There are always options. When picking flowers you have many choices and if you choose to pick the ruby red rose remember that it comes with thorns.
Sometimes the tiniest daisy is the least noticed but the best in the end.
A good rule of thumb when you head out into the crazy jungle is to think of where you plan to be in 4 hours. What consequences would affect your plan, and how can you make the difficult situation turn into a great learning experience and fabulous time.
Right now I have to remind myself that even if I have an urge to do something, it may not be whats best for me. You have to look out for yourself first because there is one of you and many opportunities in life.
Complicated lives can be the best stories, so don't be fatigued and get frustrated, because there are people right here to pull you through. Most importantly don't forget about taking care of yourself.

A New Tide

Listen. Close your eyes and drift into the salty air. As the breeze settles and the salt remains in your weather worn clothes and hair, remember.
Fondly, I ponder on my past. Many times I had heartaches and sometimes laughter. I look down to my feet, where they stand between the rocky whitecaps of the sea and the safe glassy harbor. I know that I would be safe back there, but I also know that there are hidden dangers in the harbor that I have been caught sinking into. As I look towards the sun and sea I know that the path may not always be calm, but its my path and its time for a new tide to begin.
Today represents many new tides, One week being completely clean, and a new life ahead of me. I head off to the big city tomorrow and this little fish is ready to fly.
I face a world of troubles and toil, but who ever said growing up was easy?
Maybe I will trip a few times, but this life is meant to learn from our mistakes.
As I continue on with my journey I intend to learn lots and to grow even more, so keep your eyes out for me because I'm headed your way.

We Gain Some- And We Lose Some

When I think I have cried my very last tear, another river pours from these swollen eyes. I've always been aware that we all die, and that one day our dearest loved ones die as well. But no one is ever prepared for it to happen, and the worst part is when you know it might happen but you can't do anything but wait in grief. She doesn't know that i am already grieving, because she doesn't know that I have a full understanding of how bad things are. Some times its really just not fair. There isn't anything any of us can do. I feel completely useless, so I try to stay strong and spend the most time I can with her. She doesn't realize how important she is to me. I love her so much, and I would gladly replace all her pain and i would take this tumor for her if i could. I don't want to lose her, I can't lose her. she is everything to me. She  knows all the right things to say, she picks me up when i am not strong enough and she made me be the woman i am today. I just want to help pick her up and be strong for her, but I am falling to pieces here. I keep it all in all day long and then it just won't stop overflowing all night long. I love her more than anything in this world. my family means so much to me no matter how messed up it is.

I can't let you go like this, not like this. You are a hero, big sis. You are the twinkle to my shining star in the sky. I just want to hug you forever.

I won't let anyone hurt you again if it means i could have all the time I want with you. I want forever with you! You wiped my tears, sweat and blood from every tortuous day and you inspired me to be the best I could be. 

Forever and always, sis

- Love Your Lil' Sis

Confessions of Lost Child

Butterflies fly around my room and sparkles from the sunlight drift in as if it was a fairy tale. But it is one, always was. The day you wake up from childhood and step into adulthood is the worst day of your life. You can never go back, which means you spend the rest of your life desiring to be that little child again. The never ending dream of catching butterflies and frolicking in the sunshine, not caring how you look or having to impress anyone with your actions. Its really a sense of freedom.
One day I will die and be free of those tedious adult thoughts.
The closest I get to that Child inside me is when I dance. Drifting across the wood floor, slipping away into a sense of happiness that is short lived and simple. Feeling like you can fly across the floor in a flash of twirls and dips and steps. That couple seconds of feeling when you feel absolutely free. NO one can take it away from you. You close your eyes and get lost into the music. It's as if you stepped into a painting and all the colors wrap you up and move you around till you can not stop them anymore and you give in to the music. YOU run, and walk and jump. You do anything you want to do, because you can.
I want that forever. That's my reason for dying. That is the reason I can't wait to slip into a sleep I won't wake up from. So I can be eternally young. I can finally be free. No more pain, no more decisions and no more baggage. The only tears I will be shedding is those of pure happiness. Glistening like diamonds on my cheeks, they will be full of memories that I can let go of and be the little child I have always been.
Really we all are children we just get to a point where we cover it up with superficial characteristics, because we think that the word "childish" means something not worth our time, as if it has no importance. Ironic isn't it? Cause deep down inside we all know that the Child inside of us makes us who we are. It's the best part of us.

Relationship Trama

I suck at relationships, no I really really do. My current boyfriend said to my face that my best friend makes a better girlfriend than I do... I am over that being hurtful though. I have learned that when it comes to relationships its honestly best to not have one until you are ready. But when you do find that special someone here are a few tips you should keep in mind.
I know from experience that you have to give and take, not one person can lead a relationship.
You have to love openly and embrace any chance you get to show how much you care, because you really never know if you will get another chance or not. No one deserves to feel as if they are shunned for their outward looks or for their character. You shouldn't have to change who you are to be with someone. They should love you unconditionally for all your faults and all your baggage.
When you are in a relationship with someone, your baggage is theirs and their baggage is yours. You work as a team and you help pull each other out of the rough spots.
Most importantly you speak the truth, and not in a negative way. You are honest with them, and you don't gossip or go behind someone's back and tell all their friends lies. Don't exaggerate to them, and don't do it to yourself. Your worst enemy is yourself. Only you have control over how you process data and information.
For example, when I get overwhelmed with relationship problems, I blame them on people I shouldn't and I tend to get myself worked up a lot. These things are really not good for me since I have a tendency to think about suicidal thoughts when I get overly stressed. I am my worst enemy and I have to tell myself that all the time. I have to remind myself when no one else is there for me that I am gonna make it through and things will be better. Relationships are hard work, but at the same time they shouldn't always be like that. You shouldn't have to struggle every day to breathe, or to be communicating, so if that's what is happening take my advice and leave that person because if they don't make you a better person by being with them, than they aren't worth it.

Plastic

It's time to put on another face, to get up and smile that "genuine" smile that everyone will think is real, or at least won't question. It's time to pick up the pieces of your broken life and to step into the sunshine, and tell yourself that it will be a good day. It's time to put on the plastic covering of you and live the day like you always do. I know like everyone else that the true you is in there, crying your heart out and dying inside because you can't face them. You can't get up and look them in the eyes and say you're fine without a plastic covering, cause the truth is you're not fine. You are worse than you have ever been, but they can't take the truth. They just make it worse.
So go on, put the plastic on and roll your shoulders back and breath in a good breathe.
Here is a good hint too, tell yourself everyday, you are loved and you are a good person. Then cover up those lies and convince yourself that if you told them the truth you would hurt even more.
Let me explain the reason behind the symbol of the plastic. You are sitting there and you for some reason have this ache in your chest, and your head is filled with a thousand voices or thoughts. Just remember that you are going through something that doesn't just heal right away. YOU must know that this is not an illness or sickness, rather it is a phase, just like the next one where all you will want to do is hurt someone to take the pain away, and the phase where you just want to cry forever, curling in a ball to forget the worries.
You must understand that there are people who know whats going on, but you have to tell yourself that only a few really care in the way that will help, so rather than load your crap or burdens on them, either slowly let them go, or cover up till they fade away.

I sit in my bathtub with the hot water pouring down on my head. The heat is so much that it distracts my body from the inside pain. I take a few pills to cause numbness so that the heat doesn't hurt as bad. I turn the lights off so I don't have to look at the blood, or the scars. I release my burdens, and give way to my inner self for a few seconds of relief. Then I stand once again and wipe away the blood, sweat and tears. I get out and go on with my daily routines. I turn the voices off in my head that tell me, its not okay, and I reach down and put on my plastic face. It's easier that way.

Friends with Benefits

I know what your thinking. How on earth could I be a part of something like friends with benefits. Well a year ago I would have said the same thing. Trouble is, I'm not even sure if that's what is happening and I am just as confused as any teenage girl when there are boys involved.
Out of all the people I know he should know better than to mess with my heart like this. Yet here he is doing that exact thing. Girls, let me give you a little advice. Take it from someone who has been in a few terrible situations and doesn't know what to do about it.
You always get told that guys only have one thing on their mind. Well, I always just pushed those comments aside, but now that I have experienced so much, I can say to you. IT's true. Every word they say about how they just want sex and have only one thing on their mind. Please make good decisions and protect your heart and feelings, because all they will do is pull you in and then toy with your emotions to get you to give them what they want.
Right now my best friend has done what he has done with all the girls he gets with. He has said all the right things, but he hasn't put a label on it and hasn't respected me, but instead he goes around saying we are "doing it" and I have a hold on him, when really it's the opposite.
They all lie, and its hard. So girls, listen to one with too many scars to count. Build those walls high around your heart, and don't let him in. Don't let him lie to you with his pretty words, his flirts, and his looks. When it comes down to what counts, you don't want to be the one standing in an empty room with tears down your cheeks because he didn't mean any of it.
Get out of the poor decisions you know you will make before they happen. Make the choice not to accept the invite to the party, or to "hang " with him.
It will be better for you in the long run, Trust me.

Inside coming Out

I've listened to so many people tell me over and over again, history repeats itself. And then I also hear people tell me, you need to move on. The problem is, I feel trapped. As if everything is tumbling down on top of me. And its not as if I have an overwhelming life, sure I am not normal but really is anyone? I think my past mistakes have bogged me down to the point where I can't trust completely. I fail to move on, and every time I get close, I find myself saying its not possible to be happy.

That is such a lie. You don't have to believe that it will get better, in fact you don't have to trust at all that things will change. You just have to address the inside thoughts, and let them come out. If you don't do that part you can never fully say to yourself, I can do this. The first step to getting rid of all your baggage is acknowledging you have it, and letting it come out. I know from experience its not good to let things stay inside for a long time.

I have loved a lot of people, and no I am not talking about dating. I mean love. I have been through trails of agonizing pain and usually I come out of the mess, quiet and alone. I bottle all my feelings up and I cry to myself when no one looks. But when it gets to the point where I can't keep it in I explode. So let it out. Its a really good thing to yell, to cry or to show your emotions and get all that pain out. Some people react different than others, but its always good to try. Find that one friend that will stick by you even if you yell your heart out at them.

For me its my sister, she lets me vent, repeatedly. She knows that my emotions can make me stupid and say awful things so she lets it go and then when I have recovered she gives gentle sympathy and advice, mostly saying she supports me.

I wish I had done more to let it out. I look back and I haven't really lived. I have made countless excuses to get out of things, I have shut myself off from people and I seclude myself out of events. I cherish the small memories I have. If it weren't for my very persuasive sisters and friends, I would melt away without any memories of fun times. I don't want to make the same mistakes but I still get scared/ I sit here thinking I wish I could be free from the burden of these walls. I built these walls around me to keep safe, but they also keep people out. Let it out, change your decision to stay home and go out instead. Because staying in those walls won't allow you to live and it won't build friendships or memories. Love, and live. My motto for you all, Live every day to the fullest, cause who knows what the day will bring. Forget about yesterday, live in the moment and don't wish for tomorrow.

Crush mania

I am sure you have all had a time in your lives where you have experienced what the world says as a "crush". And maybe you girls have felt "boy crazy" before. Here is just a little story and insight on what I have dealt with.Not saying this happens to everyone, or that it happens to you specifically at all, but if its useful at all, I want to share.

I currently , of course, have a crush. But at this time in my life I can confidently say, I have gotten to the point where a crush doesn't mean what it used to be. I used to think that I would be lucky enough to have my crush ask me out or fall in love with me, but what I have realized is that you can be so much more happy when you are not obsessing about some guy. We all love to say things and get all flirtatious and there is nothing wrong with that, but there comes a time when you must realize that he isn't just going to come sweep you off your feet and be your prince charming.

It is very hard to move on and seeing others with your crush is also hard, but if you truly like this person than you will want what is best for them in their lives, and that is not always you. My crush, for one isn't to the point where he will see anything more than a friend in me, and he also isn't the type of guy who will want to just love me, but will want things from me that I don't want to give.
So he isn't worth it, and not worth the time to obsess or flirt with. He is just a sweet guy, who , yes, is attractive and who I won't ever be in a relationship with. But I fully support him in everything he does.

I wish I had been told how silly crushes can be and how some can be big annoyances in my life when I was younger. I would have saved myself a lot of heartache an worry and had so much more fun just living my life and being content. Take the advice from one who has been a little boy crazy in her life, it is for the best not to have a crush. It might be hard at first but at least you will feel better in the long run.

Scary Shadows

Ever feel like you are just stuck in the dark shadows of the public world? Like you just want to dance down the street or sing loud, maybe just talk and share, but you don't? Well you are not alone. I am always the last one to speak up if I am not in my own circle of friends, and even then I don't often start a conversation or break out of the shadows often. I think we all tend to believe the shadows are a safe place to be, but really it's the scariest place to be. If you stay there long enough it becomes harder and harder to come away from them.

The shadows are where I met the worst friends. In fact they weren't friends, more like stalkers. Their names are Depression, Cutting, Suicidal Thoughts and Desperation. I met them when I hadn't even started public school. I met them when I was around the age of 9. They used to steal me away to my room and lock me in for hours, and then on some days they would take me to the creek in the woods near my house. I didn't really understand what they were doing until the fights started. I never used to yell, or hit things. I never got into fights with my parents until I was 10. My stalkers would seclude me from the truth, and whisper lies to me and without fail I would listen.

I think the worst part was sitting alone on my bed and getting the feeling like I was tearing away my pain by cutting my legs and arms. I didn't ever think about telling my parents, and when I was found out by my friends at youth group, it was too late. I had taken myself completely out of the family picture. So many things changed, new home and new city. I lived with my sis, and little did she know what was really going on. Then she found out the worst way possible. It was sophomore year, basketball season, and I had cut my arms pretty good. For some reason I don't even remember why I was mad, but I had txted my old friend from youth group some flippant remarks about how much I hated life and wanted to die. I didn't answer my phone for a few hours, cause I went downstairs to play with my niece. He was worried, and if it had been him I would have been too.

That night two police officers showed up at my door and demanded me to show my arms. My sister had no idea what was going on. She saw my cuts and couldn't believe that I had done that to myself. I spent the next 30 minutes in the back of a cop car riding to the emergency room. I talked to doctors and councilors all night. I realized that night, I had caused so much panic, and I didn't even know the reason why I had done it in the first place.

For me counselors didn't help solve the problem, I went through another year of pain and torture, until I took a step out of the shadows and told my stalkers I was done. I hung my emergency bracelet on the wall of my room for me to always remember that I wasn't that person, that was just a person who had been told lies and beaten down by the world. It is the hardest choice in my life that I have made so far. Stepping out and talking or just letting it go is the hardest thing ever, but I know for a fact it just gets better and better with time. And now when I feel those whispers creeping up on me, I just shake my head and look at that bracelet and remember who I really am. I am a young lady who believes in herself no matter what the world does to bring me down.

If you have ever experienced this, or you are having trouble, there are so many people who love you and want to help. I am also always here for advice and just for listening if that's all you need. I know how hard it is to reach out, so when you want to do the same I am all about supporting you and helping in whatever way I can.

Insecurities Challenge

I have realized that recently I find myself looking at my reflection, way to often. Like so many other girls I know, I have put this burden of shame and insecurity on myself about my face and look everyday.You always here people tell you that you are beautiful and gorgeous just the way you are, but our society makes a point at taking the flaws away from everyone in the media. Instead we just get fed all the propaganda about beauty products and makeup. So I have taken it up with a few friends, and have decided that I want to change the way I look at myself.

I want to be able to wake up and look at myself in the mirror and say, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, without the makeup, and products. I want to just be me. Because overall that's who I am. I am just a girl, who has insecurities like everyone else, and the world I live in has made it hard for me to believe in myself and my beauty.

When I find the guy in my life who I want to spend the rest of my life with, I want to be able to wake up and spend the day,just me and no makeup. I want him to be able to look at me and say YOU TRULY ARE BEAUTIFUL. I shouldn't need any enhancements or cover up to be that way. I don't want the world to just see a covered up me. You should be able to show the raw and natural you. 

Growing up I would play outside all day and not worry about how I looked, and of course there comes a time when you need to look professional and maybe you want to dress up and where some makeup to have a little fun. But everyday of putting on the face, and doing all the things to make it look like you have the perfect eyebrows, lips, and eyes is so shallow and tiring.

Here is my challenge to myself. I will go an entire week without any makeup, including lipstick of any kind. I won't take any pictures/selfies but instead I will wake up and look at myself and say every morning - I AM GORGEOUS JUST THE WAY I AM. And then for the rest of the day I won't look in a mirror. I do this because I don't want to constantly be obsessing about how I look and how I might have acne or baggy eyes. I will just go through my day normally. 

Something I am really interested in knowing is if anyone will notice me, or compliment me, and what they might say to me about my appearance. Everytime you compliment someone, remind yourself to look deep down, are you complimenting there true beauty or are you impressing upon them that their makeup looks good? Everytime you compliment someone's makeup, just take a moment to realize that what you are truly saying is you look good covered up. 

If you want to take the same challenge I welcome you and encourage you to stay strong- because you are so beautiful, and being just you should be enough. If you don't want to participate, I encourage you to take a different  challenge- the compliment challenge. When you think about complimenting someone, look at their raw beauty and their natural self instead of the cover. I hope you can find it in yourself to also compliment someone who is not wearing a mask of makeup. As always please leave your comments and idea about my ideas. I love to here feedback. And to all you ladies out there- no matter what your age, you are beautiful!!

Closer than a Friend-Bosom Friends

So If you are at all familiar with Anne of green Gables, you will totally get that reference in the title, if not you should really see it, cause its a life changing movie and book.This is not just any friend, she probably looks normal to you, but she is soooooo not normal. Her official name is, well here we will just call her Oompah. She is very close to me as you can imagine. She was my first friends when I moved to Spokane, and started high-school, also my first year in public school. She loves a lot of things, like pretzels, Romeo & Juliet, singing and the gravity. Well maybe gravity loves her more than her return of affection.

Lets set the record straight, I have lots of friends, I just choose to hang with the best one, which is my Oompah. It is hard to imagine we have only been friends for four years, at the same time its so hard to imagine us not together next year. I will be leaving for several states away and her plans are to stay around town. I know ts hard to imagine from that smiling face in the picture, but I wasn't always like that. When they say friends stick through thick and thin, with us its more like: thick, scratching thin, clinging on time, kill me now time, i'm hyper/insane and all the other crazy times together.

Thing is, I wouldn't be alive today if it weren't for her. I thought I could always just get along by myself, but she saw right through the veil. She stayed strong and pursued me until I finally let go. And I really let go, I would scream in her ear about my life, over the phone. I would cry and shake in her arms, and I still do today. And I would do the same for her. I went through depression after depression and life didn't get easier for sure, it just got heavier cause I would keep all of it on my shoulders till she would help me get through another torrential break down.

She was there when my family couldn't be, when my eyes were blinded by guy after guy, and I strayed from the path. Love. That is such true love when you can look over to your friend, and see the person who would stand with you in a dinosaur attack, cancer, Justin Bieber concert and all the other torturous things you could think of ( no offense Bieber fans). I would go to the ends of the world and do anything for her. She has already done that for me, saving my life, preserving my smile and shaping my world to help me get up again. She wipes the tears away and makes me laugh.

I know that she will always be here with me, She is a part of my heart. No matter what difficult things happen, I can look forward to more long nights, giggle fits, Friends references and shared memories. Looking back on our talks I don't understand how she kept it all together, all the drama, and crap I loaded on her, day after day. She just knew, some how I needed her and she would make a single splash in the pond with her pebbles of knowledge and love, but those ripples would reach me out on the far shore. I would then be affected by her for the rest of my life. She would be the one to pull me out of the ashes, and look at me and say  "You're beautiful". How could she know that would be the first time I believed someone who said that to me? It wasn't me who was beautiful, it was her, and that gorgeous soul of hers.

There are so many priceless times I recall, but let me leave you with this. There isn't anything that could tear me apart from her, no time, no distance. I can't ever repay her , but I hope one day I can speak into someones's life like she has been doing into mine.
Now that is a friend, people. Someone who makes you feel like you are perfect in every way.

Complicated

So I am sitting there on the edge of a sturdy yet not brand new dock. I can see him walking down the grassy lawn on his way to talk with me. As usual he is dressed casual with those torn up shirts from working on his family's house and he has those super sexy aviators on, sun glinting off the rims, like he was part of a band or glamorous chick flick movie.Sure, he is totally the guy for me, except the fact that the only reason he is here is cause he is about to break my heart. Two full years of preteen dating, and 4 years before that full of exciting adventures as kids. 

I didn't know this at the time, but it wouldn't matter what he said cause six weeks later I would be walking alone on the streets headed for an entire different path than I thought I would be on.I would leave my family and everything behind, and meet more guys I ever dreamed of. Goodbye little home-schooled girl and hello high-school.I would learn so much in the little time it would take it change my entire life. 

Yeah ,that's right, life is downright crappy at times, and excuse my language but you cant get through this life without a little shit getting in your way. Complicated. That's life, that is absolutely everyday of my childhood, preteen years and high-school. I didn't go into these years knowing it would be that way, I ,like all other kids my age, had to read all the "coming of age" stories and figure this shit out on my own.And doing that is not easy, take it from me. Yeah I feel like almost everything has happened to me, but that's not exactly true. I had to really dig my self out of a grave by the time I hit 16. I have heard it all, "your so young to go through this", "its a wonder you can keep going", "are you sure that your mental state isn't being challenged by all that's happening in your life?". Counselors, Doctors,Judges and Social Workers. Parents, adults, siblings...oh geez the siblings. That's for another entry. You think its all piling on you at one time and then, it gets weird.

For me, it was him getting back to me with an ultimatum. "You need to come back to your parents house and get your life together or I can't speak to you again". Some days I feel like my parents put him up to saying that, but honestly that is so way too low of my parents.  I gave up, cause I realized it is just way to .... yup that's right, COMPLICATED.

No really there is a simple key to living this life, and I have gotten good experience at this one. Make it less complicated, meaning cleanse your life. Cleanse your room, your baggage, and all those friends you think are your actual friends. Stop trying to convince yourself your someone you are not. Be yourself for goodness sake! Who wants to be around a poser? No one. Being yourself is the biggest cleanser of all. You aren't worried about what people think and you can just live. So much easier. Try it. 

Now I am not saying it's just not gonna be complicated anymore, but instead of wasting your energy and time, use it to the best of you.
WE ARE WHO WE ARE. You just can't change that no matter what you do.