Complications

My heart is stuck in a hard spot right now, because I have lost my last key to the walls I have built up.
I am not sure that I want to let go. I look at his eyes and I lose all control, there are so many things I want to tell him, and share with him, but I am not ready. I have built up all these lies and thoughts to deceive others until now. All I want to do is  give up to him and let the truth pour out.
He is the most important thing to me in my life right now. I can't stop staring into his deep green eyes and imagine how would I make it in this life without him. Little does he know that I am messed up. I am scared and hurt to the point of breaking down every time I let those small little thoughts come into my mind. Life is complicated and when I am pressed to release my thoughts I panic.
Last night I ended up in the hospital due to my heart condition and I can't remember half the experience because all I wanted to do was talk to him the entire night. He has my heart in his hand and all he wants is for me to open up to him.
But i am confused by my past and lost because I have been through so much. How do I put my past behind me and let go of the lies that are holding me back? This is the question I have for you my love because I don't know what else to do.