So today started out normal, like any other day. I think today more than ever I could not stop thinking about my boyfriend all day and I had a lot of other things on my mind concerning school, and my healthcare.
I got a call from my doctor and tomorrow I start on the medication for my heart. I am above being nervous, I am actually sorta panicking.
Life gets into a routine some days and when something jolts that around, it makes you stop and think about things. Well this heart condition has been a big bump in the road for a year now. I am nervous because of my background with pills, and depression and right now things are not stable enough for me to trust myself. I am not ready to begin a new life. I am stuck in my old ways, including my doubting and boy crazy self.
For example, my heart has been chained up for almost 3 full months now, and even before then I didn't let my guard down, but my current boyfriend makes me feel as if I should let my guard down so we can talk and connect. I agree, but I am also my old self who doubts every guy I am ever with. Recently I got advice from a friend that maybe I should take a step back and think about what I am getting into.
He is a great boyfriend but that's not the point.
First of all, I like this guy and I don't want to hurt him ever.
Second, He still needs time to figure out what he wants.
And third, I don't think he realizes how much I have not only become attached and how much I truly care.
I want whats best for him, and I would sacrifice being happy for that, but I know its gonna hurt, so I am still nervous.
I am super worried right now, because I really need a job and to concentrate on school, but I don't want to put him on the back burner. I need to get into a routine or I will be stressed to the max.
I think change is extremely hard to handle sometimes, but as I have learned recently- you have to go before your ready.
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