Scary Shadows

Ever feel like you are just stuck in the dark shadows of the public world? Like you just want to dance down the street or sing loud, maybe just talk and share, but you don't? Well you are not alone. I am always the last one to speak up if I am not in my own circle of friends, and even then I don't often start a conversation or break out of the shadows often. I think we all tend to believe the shadows are a safe place to be, but really it's the scariest place to be. If you stay there long enough it becomes harder and harder to come away from them.

The shadows are where I met the worst friends. In fact they weren't friends, more like stalkers. Their names are Depression, Cutting, Suicidal Thoughts and Desperation. I met them when I hadn't even started public school. I met them when I was around the age of 9. They used to steal me away to my room and lock me in for hours, and then on some days they would take me to the creek in the woods near my house. I didn't really understand what they were doing until the fights started. I never used to yell, or hit things. I never got into fights with my parents until I was 10. My stalkers would seclude me from the truth, and whisper lies to me and without fail I would listen.

I think the worst part was sitting alone on my bed and getting the feeling like I was tearing away my pain by cutting my legs and arms. I didn't ever think about telling my parents, and when I was found out by my friends at youth group, it was too late. I had taken myself completely out of the family picture. So many things changed, new home and new city. I lived with my sis, and little did she know what was really going on. Then she found out the worst way possible. It was sophomore year, basketball season, and I had cut my arms pretty good. For some reason I don't even remember why I was mad, but I had txted my old friend from youth group some flippant remarks about how much I hated life and wanted to die. I didn't answer my phone for a few hours, cause I went downstairs to play with my niece. He was worried, and if it had been him I would have been too.

That night two police officers showed up at my door and demanded me to show my arms. My sister had no idea what was going on. She saw my cuts and couldn't believe that I had done that to myself. I spent the next 30 minutes in the back of a cop car riding to the emergency room. I talked to doctors and councilors all night. I realized that night, I had caused so much panic, and I didn't even know the reason why I had done it in the first place.

For me counselors didn't help solve the problem, I went through another year of pain and torture, until I took a step out of the shadows and told my stalkers I was done. I hung my emergency bracelet on the wall of my room for me to always remember that I wasn't that person, that was just a person who had been told lies and beaten down by the world. It is the hardest choice in my life that I have made so far. Stepping out and talking or just letting it go is the hardest thing ever, but I know for a fact it just gets better and better with time. And now when I feel those whispers creeping up on me, I just shake my head and look at that bracelet and remember who I really am. I am a young lady who believes in herself no matter what the world does to bring me down.

If you have ever experienced this, or you are having trouble, there are so many people who love you and want to help. I am also always here for advice and just for listening if that's all you need. I know how hard it is to reach out, so when you want to do the same I am all about supporting you and helping in whatever way I can.