Inside coming Out

I've listened to so many people tell me over and over again, history repeats itself. And then I also hear people tell me, you need to move on. The problem is, I feel trapped. As if everything is tumbling down on top of me. And its not as if I have an overwhelming life, sure I am not normal but really is anyone? I think my past mistakes have bogged me down to the point where I can't trust completely. I fail to move on, and every time I get close, I find myself saying its not possible to be happy.

That is such a lie. You don't have to believe that it will get better, in fact you don't have to trust at all that things will change. You just have to address the inside thoughts, and let them come out. If you don't do that part you can never fully say to yourself, I can do this. The first step to getting rid of all your baggage is acknowledging you have it, and letting it come out. I know from experience its not good to let things stay inside for a long time.

I have loved a lot of people, and no I am not talking about dating. I mean love. I have been through trails of agonizing pain and usually I come out of the mess, quiet and alone. I bottle all my feelings up and I cry to myself when no one looks. But when it gets to the point where I can't keep it in I explode. So let it out. Its a really good thing to yell, to cry or to show your emotions and get all that pain out. Some people react different than others, but its always good to try. Find that one friend that will stick by you even if you yell your heart out at them.

For me its my sister, she lets me vent, repeatedly. She knows that my emotions can make me stupid and say awful things so she lets it go and then when I have recovered she gives gentle sympathy and advice, mostly saying she supports me.

I wish I had done more to let it out. I look back and I haven't really lived. I have made countless excuses to get out of things, I have shut myself off from people and I seclude myself out of events. I cherish the small memories I have. If it weren't for my very persuasive sisters and friends, I would melt away without any memories of fun times. I don't want to make the same mistakes but I still get scared/ I sit here thinking I wish I could be free from the burden of these walls. I built these walls around me to keep safe, but they also keep people out. Let it out, change your decision to stay home and go out instead. Because staying in those walls won't allow you to live and it won't build friendships or memories. Love, and live. My motto for you all, Live every day to the fullest, cause who knows what the day will bring. Forget about yesterday, live in the moment and don't wish for tomorrow.