The end of a chapter. The closing of an era. 

It's crazy to think that it has been several years since I have touched this platform. I almost dread just reading some of my old posts. I believe in learning from the past tho, which is why I am keeping them up, to remind myself that it's all about growth. 

Let's talk about that for a second. A year ago I was homeless, lost, unemployed, and thought I was dying. To be honest, I always have thought I was dying. Truth is.. I am. 

We all are dying, everyday. But what are we doing? Why are we living? Have you ever struggled to see the light at the end of the tunnel, because I know I have. But there is always hope. It's only as strong as your determination and will is. 

Which is why I changed my life to be the main character. Thanks Scofield for that advice.

I'm now successful, living my dream, traveling the world and hopefully continuing to grow.

It's the stepping stones in life that make a journey, and they aren't always easy to travel on. So wear your best shoes for hiking, cause the climb never stops and the path goes on, even after this life. Live. Breathe. Experience. When it's over, it's over and why wait?

this new year is a chance to push forward, don't catch yourself up in the trap that society says about starting over, just keep going. 

Sincerely and Till next Time

Your fellow Hiker

Breaking Hearts

Last night you broke my heart. You tore every piece of me apart and threw it to the curb like a sack of trash, as if the last 13 months meant nothing to you. It's true what they say about love, when its amazing, its fucking amazing and when its bad, you feel like you are standing on the edge of a precipice just waiting for the slightest breeze to knock you off and send you tumbling down into the abyss. You will never see these eyes the same way, you will never feel the gut wrenching pain that stabbed at me as I took each step out of your house to my car last night.
The world lies to us when they say to get up and move on. They lie when they say that heartbreak will help you and guide you. The people who are beside you telling you that you are better off... they lie too. Because if they knew what I knew then they wouldn't have words to even try and fathom the daggers you've lodged in me. God knows I am trying to let you have your space, to let you be, so that you can have whats best for you, because as someone who actually loves you and knows the true definition of that word, I am willing to sacrifice my happiness and endure any pain for you.
My worst fear is not seeing you tomorrow or the next week, my worst fear is not seeing you ever again. My worst fear is waking up to the news that you didn't think your life was worth it. As someone who has lived that life with you, it is worth it. You are always worth it.
You are right about one thing, we had our struggles. We both lied, we both hurt each other, and we fought a lot. But you say it like it was the majority of our memories, but that's only because you refuse to let the bad ones fall away and focus on the good.
Remember the time that I ate an entire pizza and then half of yours? Remember when I would stop by and have lunch with you at work? Remember the time we drove for hours and sang to every tune we turned on? Well, you might not remember but I do.
I remember the time I first said I love you. I remember our first argument, I remember you coming clean to me, and I remember every word from last night.
That's the last thing I will remember about you. You mean the world to me, but I have to let you go, because you don't want this anymore. Time is a precious thing, please don't waste it thinking of me, instead use your time to go do what you are passionate about. I know you are gonna make it big, and I know you have the potential to climb as high as you want. So don't let me or our memories hold you back, because I love you, and all I want is for you to be happy and healthy.

The One

Well.. I never thought in my entire life that I would be saying this, but I think I have met the man of my dreams- well not exactly. He is however the one, the only one I want to spend the rest of my life with.
He isn't the richest, he isn't the wittiest, he isn't the most romantic, and no he doesn't have a six pack.
But he is perfect in every way possible. I realized I don't need any of those things in order to have love. Yes, you heard me right, I said love. I don't normally believe in stuff like that.. hell I don't believe in it. But there is something there, and for lack of words lets just call it Love.

Our story isn't fascinating in any way. We didn't meet in the most corny or romantic way, in fact we thought nothing of each other when we met, only that we were friends and as we continued to spend time together we grew to be even closer friends.
He is so strong, although he doesn't want to admit it. I don't believe him for a minute. He has stronger and taller walls than anyone, but for some reason he trusts me with his deepest,  and darkest fears and secrets. He tells me things he has never told anyone else.
He communicates and he makes me feel wanted, and special.

Now you're probably bored to death of this story by now, but just wait. For years now I have been hurt more and more by boys, and every time my walls get bigger and bigger. I don't trust and I certainly don't love. One thing I know for sure is to not put all my eggs in one basket, yet every day I keep putting more and more eggs in the basket till I woke up this morning at 3 am to the man of my dreams snoring loudly by my head.
HE really snores badly lol.
I couldn't look away, I was mesmerized. I kept telling myself in my head that I couldn't fall for him and that I need to protect myself, and as I continued this argument in my head I suddenly realized I was saying how lucky I was to have him and how I can't wait to be with him forever and yes, many years down the road have children with him.
I love him , and we aren't even dating.
Which brings me to my dilemma. I jumped the gun on sleeping with him before we even have talked about dating and now I am in love with him and I can't even tell him, I can't even call him my boyfriend, and for all I know he is banging 4 other girls just like me. Yet somehow I can't seem to think of him like that, I can only think of him as the most handsome man in the world sleeping next to me this morning.
So my question to you world, what now? Do I pretend to go on as if my feelings were nothing or do I let him know that I think he is the one? Let me know in the comments below.

Fuck Love

Now its no news that I haven't found the right one yet.. but honestly I don't think I ever will and I'm not sure I want to.
FUCK LOVE. We actually can live without it, and boy would it be nice. Just imagine a world without the complications of relationships and dating and even hooking up? What if we all just said Fuck you and did our own thing? NO emotions, no strings and no hurt feelings. Sounds like a dream right?
What if I told you it could be real?
I am completely serious when I say I went on a love bender for 7 months and I survived.. no I THRIVED!!! It was as if I was on a super drug. I had the best memories, founded the best friendships and had no strings attached for all 7 months. I finally had freedom.
Now I am not one of those super independent girls who only wants her freedom, I love guys and up till now I was totally a romantic, just read my other shit, but what I figured out during these last 7 months is that I didn't need a man to make me happy.
Often social media and society makes us feel as if we are inferior if we don't attach ourselves to a man. This is soooooo wrong! Women everywhere are emotionally burdened with this idea that they can't make themselves happy and have all they ant without marrying or hooking up or getting hitched to a guy or gal.. your preference. Take it from an expert in the romance field, when I switched the "love" switch off it was as if my life flipped for the good. I had way less stress, I could be me, like really be me. No one to check in on and no one to burden down my plans. I was always in control.
Now I know your thinking ok, but what about the pleasure factor?
You don't need it from another.. that's what technology is for! We have so many sex toys in this world I'm pretty sure you can get away with out having sex for the rest of your life. Besides then you don't have to worry about getting pregnant!! It's seriously a win win. Don't diss it till you try it!
So join me folks in my new campaign- FUCK LOVE!!!

New Start

Not all of us get the chance to be able to basically start our lives over again and change our lifestyle so that we can benefit more from it. For example those of us who have suffered from depression, or suicidal tendencies, or drug abuse and alcoholism don't often get to pick up , move away and start fresh as if nothing happened. I am one of the lucky ones that was offered a second chance. and you can have one too.
Now before I get started let me be clear, I am not here to preach to you or make you believe in something and guilt you into is because its the only way. I am sharing my experience and you have every right to agree or disagree, as long as you fully understand acknowledge that there are other views out there other than yours that may have good points.
So to get started let me give you some background information, I was raised in a very conservative and religious family that eventually broke apart due to physical and emotional abuse. I still believe in God and He has always been a constant in my life even when I have strayed so far from His path that I feel like my life has no meaning.
When I was 14 I left home to go live with my other family members to protect myself from any further abuse and for so long I struggled with many issues regarding that decision, even still to this day, but that is for another time and place. Growing up in that household as a teenager I became exposed to a liberal and less religious view than before which caused a lot of inner fighting on what view was right and wrong.
Fast forward 6 years and I have been in college for a year and a half, I am an alcoholic, depressed, substance abuser, sexually abused, and stressed out by the amount of work load I put on myself because I was trying to distract myself from everything that was going on in my life. Never would I have guessed as a 14 year old that I would one day get to the point of such depression and loneliness that I would try to commit suicide by drug overdose. Neither did I know that it would impact my life in such a severe way. For example, I will never be able to be in the military, have a government job, pass a mental or psychological test- which in today's day and age is significant for a lot of reasons. Yet still there I was at the lowest point in my life and all I could think to do was reach out for help and pray to God that I would be rescued. And low and behold I was.
That's where my real story happens. I got a second chance. I was given the opportunity to pickup and leave everything behind and start over. I was provided for by family, friends, strangers and then God out of it all showed His grace towards me. I started walking in His path again and somehow all those things I had always worried about, financial issues, transportation, living situation, social interaction, job, and others, He provided.
I'm not saying I sat around and did nothing- it took a lot of work on my behalf and others to get here, but I wouldn't have had the opportunities to start over or the resources given to me if GOD hadn't opened those doors.
So perhaps you are struggling and starting to see yourself wavering and falling towards a cliff, just reach out because you would be surprised  at how much God wants you to be apart of His eternal family.

STUCK IN THE PAST

Its like I am stuck in this roller coaster cycle... its an endless pattern.
Does anyone else see that in their life? When do we step out of it and change the cycle?
We could educate ourselves and watch ourselves do it over and over again but what does it help? Medication, meditation and all those methods don't just work automatically and no I am not saying there is a quick fix, but isn't there an easier way?

I find myself contemplating all the time whether to send that text or not, and its what holds me back from moving on completely, and I watch so many people go through a healing cycle and they move on, but for me its like a little piece of me is with every single one of them keeping me from healing ever again. There has to be a way to break that connection. I even try cutting off contact completely and that still doesn't work...

I just want to find that spark again, and I want to move on and start my life a new without being held back.

Any suggestions?

Being Honest-This Thanksgiving

I have to be honest with you, and with myself. This person you see in front of you that is smiling and going about her life, is just a cloak for the real me. When I love, I love hard. I fall so hard that I break before someone can catch me. I've lost a lot of friends and a lot of people I have loved.

I seem to always end up pushing away every person and thing that is good for me. I always choose the hard way, and i end up paying the consequences for it. You'd think that by now I would see the cycle and break it. But instead I did see the cycle, and I chose to make it even worse, by involving drugs and alcohol. I am convinced there is something wrong with my wiring... cause this seriously sucks- knowing full well what your doing isn't what you want, but somehow your body and mind wont let you stop yourself. Its called addiction- its a REAL BITCH.
Stay away from drugs kids.
Anyway going on. I have been dealing with a lot of grief recently- basically most of my life because it never ceases to amaze me how many people I have lost. How many I have destroyed, their hearts and their trust. Don't listen to that voice that says you don't make an impact because trust me you do.
You make a HUGE impact. On every person you pass, whether you are acquaintances or more with them. Even a simple smile at a stranger is an impact.

You know a lot of people call me a quitter. I don't believe them, because I've never quit on one thing- my belief that I can feel whole and complete without love. I like to take the hard road because it teaches you reality, it teaches you life lessons. That's how you gain wisdom. That's where you get clarity when you get stuck in a tricky situation.
I learned, sticking with someone or something that shuts your emotions up is not healthy. I learned the truth about frienship- about love,about whether you mean something.

So many people think that they will never make something of themselves or succeed at life, just cause they didn't achieve this one thing they wanted. But that's wrong, because I might not have been a Broadway acctress or famous or been a top model, but I did succeed. I succeeded at loving many, bringing others together, walking long journeys and gaining strength. Personal success is more important than what anyone else wants for you.

Today, this Thanksgiving, I am thankful for a full life, so many memories, and the time I had here to impact others. I encourage you to chose to impact those around you with beneficial moments, and memories while you still have the time, because time is a precious thing and not to be wasted.
We might never have met, or we may have been close long friends, either way I hope that when you read this, you smile and you feel a warmth in your heart- because that's me right there with you telling you how important you are, and what a HUGE impact you are on so many, including me.

Leaving For Home

Leaving for home was a tough decision overall. I have just finished my freshman year of college and when I heard that financially I wouldn't be able to afford school next year I realized that being home this summer would be my best bet at getting ahead of my debt.

But then my mind was clouded at the time, thinking that Spokane and my family is my home, and its not. Sadly I was mistaken. My home is where I belong and don't feel judged and pushed down everyday, and that's with my new family and friends in Chicago.
I hate change and I think most of us do, and its extremely hard to embrace, but I realized tonight that if we don't fully embrace change then we wont be living, we will just be staying in the shadows of our real life.

It is time to leave for good, and in one week I will be saying goodbye for more than just a few months to my dear hometown as a kid- Spokane.
I will be saying goodbye to my past mistakes and hello to my future and my new home in Chicago. I can't wait to embrace the change and the new memories I will make and the fun times I will have.
I will be back one day, but right now its time to push off to a new life, and to a new home. Its time to start again and to figure out what my life holds for me.

I will let you know as I continue how it goes!

My story- Just the beginning

August 3rd 2011.

I was having a normal day for a home schooled kid age fourteen, except that my home was anything but normal. Of course to me, it was just another day of dealing with my mother's anger, mood swings, and violent behavior. Let's just call it as it is- Abuse.

Don't get me wrong, I respect my mom a lot, she gave birth to me, cared for me, taught me, and brought me up with manners. But she had some downfalls like everyone does, just hers were worse and they affected me physically and mentally. She would throw objects at me and my siblings including furniture, dishes, and any valuable she could get her hands on. She would discipline us but not in a normal way, she was extreme and when I mean extreme I mean when she found a Juicy Fruit gum wrapper of mine she flipped out since she didn't allow gum that wasn't dental gum, so she got four packs of gum and made me chew a golf ball sized piece of gum until my jaw hurt for days. I learned my lesson, but still disciplining your child until they hurt physically doesn't make sense does it?

Some days I would get up to 4 or 5 spankings as a child, all the way till I was 14 years old when I left. She would break wooden spoons by how hard she hit, and would use the skinny switches from the apple tree in our back yard- which drew blood almost every time. Now that's just a glimpse of the physical abuse, and emotionally she was even worse.
Every time you would stand up for yourself or try to talk to her at all, she would turn every word against you and blame you for everything. She would say something along the lines of, " So I guess I am the big ugly witch in your life because you did something you weren't suppose to do and I am enforcing the rules here!" and her most famous quote, "It's just shut up and put up for me!" when we would try to stand up for ourselves. Basically she acted like a child throwing a fit and if we didn't grovel and ask for forgiveness and repent our "terrible" sins than we were looked on as a child who would burn in hell and treated as such.

Fourteen years of abuse, and I still to this day hate calling it that because she still has a spell on me, as if she controls me. But after every sibling had left and broken contact with my parents, I was alone and fully to blame for all my siblings downfalls including mine as well. Not to mention her anger against my dad was also another reason to take it out on me, as I was with her 24/7 in a house and I wasn't often allowed to leave unless she knew exactly where I was going and for how long and only on her terms. So I finally left after being dragged by my hair, cursed out and beaten. I took a stand and left - walking in barefoot on the hot pavement for quite awhile before I got to the nearest church.
It took every ounce of courage to knock on the door and ask for a ride to my brother's house. But somehow I did, and when I had gotten there I took the first step out of the car and I wish I could say I didn't look back- but I did. And over the next 5 years it would get me into some of the worst situations I could imagine.

I want to redefine this blog by starting to post about my experiences and share with you my story, so here is the first look. I hope that my story and experiences can bring hope and help to you no matter what you are going through in your life.
Thanks for reading.

Dealing with Anxiety

Of recent, I have found myself back at square one with one hand on the wheel of a relationship and the other trying to dial 911. Now that is just a metaphor, making that clear before I move on. I haven't been one to really accept the fact that I have an anxiety disorder, and that its hard for me to deal with relationships in particular. I am very insecure and often second guess everything there is to do about having a boyfriend. I can't deal with the fact that I am not in control all the time of everything, and that I don't know what the other person is thinking and I can't schedule everything.

Truth is, I am not meant for relationships. I don't do them and as hard as it is for those who have fallen for me or love me, they have to realize I am so much better off in my life right now, without that type of stress. If you can't realize that and be the friend, the bigger person and accept I can't be in a relationship, than I am sorry. I am sorry for any guy who falls for me, because I am not worth it and most definitely more trouble than anything.

So here is to being single, and here is to knowing that I will have to deal with my relationships in the future with care, because I don't deal well because of my anxiety.

It's Never Too Late

I look back on my life, and ask myself, what have I accomplished?
Who has helped shape me in this life and how have I changed?
I don't like what I see, in fact I am disappointed in myself, because I pushed so many people away and left so many people out to hang dry. I wasn't a person that people look up to or someone they wanted to be a friend to, I was selfish and rude in so many ways. I wish I could get a second chance, but then I realize that today is my second chance, I just have to start being the person I truly am. People shape us, and those who really matter will stick with you no matter what your views and no matter what you decide to do in life.

I was a lonely child, and not many friends, and I chose to push so many people away because I didn't see myself as worthy to be around them, but I am not just a sheltered child,  I am an artist and a performer and I am a good person. I may have made more than a few mistakes in my life, and I may have gone down several paths I shouldn't have, but it's never too late to pick up the pieces and start again.

One mistake doesn't define you, and some friendships aren't meant to be, but the ones that are should be held on to. Don't lose someone because you didn't feel like answering their texts, don't forget about those who have stood by you through everything.
They are important, and so are you.

Feeling Fine

Fine. Does anyone know what that really means?
Freaked out, Insecure,Neurotic, and Emotional.
It is the definition of my life, I will never be good, or okay, or great. I will fake it, but I will always be fine. I learned years ago that the things that make you happy don't always work out. I struggle finding the light, and finding the happiness in situations. So I will pull on my big girl pants and put the lipstick on, but I will inside be broken and crying. All I wish for are comforting arms to wrap around me in a hug, to tell me it will be alright and I can let it go.
That will never be, because my walls are built up again, my eyes swollen shut- no more tears I swear.
I can be happy for them, and I can smile and laugh, but my true happiness will come when I finally let it all go and can live free with the person who helps me break down those chains.
So here is to feeling fine!
Let's celebrate that I have gotten this far and can still go on with out any one noticing the pain I am suffering through. I still hurt from my past, and it's left such deep scars that its gonna take a miracle to heal this.
Maybe I'll get lucky, you know you can only wish so much and then you realize dreams, wishes.. they are just a figment of your imagination. The day someone convinces me they are real, is the day I might just believe again.
So, world I will be fine. I am fine. That's what I'll say when they ask, and they will go on there way, little will they ever know!

There is No Looking Back

My piers have a saying, that you only live once. As much as that is true I don't agree with the actions that come along with that saying. People assume that when you say that you go do stupid shit that means nothing, but for me its not the same.
I will only live here with these people once, so why regret my decisions? Why sit here and think over the tedious things like should I kiss him, or should I leave him? No, I believe that if I feel something why not pursue it? There is nothing wrong in being happy, and enjoying what you have for the time you have it.
When you live this way, you don't waste time, and it seems like things progress faster than usual, but when you have that feeling, don't ignore it.
For example, I like a guy and I always have this thought to either kiss him or cuddle, so instead of sitting around waiting if the time is right, I won't be afraid to show my affection. If he says no, or doesn't want that then I don't take it personally I just know then that he doesn't want that.
Then I never live with the nagging feeling of what if..
So take life by the balls my friends, because its no fun hanging in the shadows.

Peace

Finding peace. One of life's hardest struggles. It's as if when we finally give up, the world throws all our guilt and pain back at us, reminding us of the terrible things we have done.
Peace. So many people find it easy to say, but don't be fooled by the religious advertisement. It's a lot harder than just accepting God.
Until now I have been kind careful about influencing any religious beliefs on anyone. I am not doing that here. I'm expressing what's happened to me in my life, so that you can learn from my history.
At the moment, among the hardest struggles of a college kid, I find it hard to touch base with peace. I know that it's the most important thing to do on my list though, because without peace your body and soul become entangled and lost in emotions you cannot decipher.
Yoga is most commonly looked upon as an exercise that can release tension so that you can find peace easier, but do not be fooled dear friends.
This matter, peace, is a lot harder to comprehend. If you have unfinished business or you are guilty or unhappy about something it is extremely hard for you to find the calm amongst the storm. First you need to figure out the problem that is keeping you restless,and address it.
Tonight, I found peace, granted I didn't find all of it, but I grasped on and I realized how only I can make a situation better in my perspective. Basically what I am saying is, its all in your control to find peace. You have to make the decision to be happy and calm and to deal with the matters that are distressing you.
I won't ever be completely satisfied unless I allow myself to be. I am not completely satisfied right now, but I am at peace with myself and the decisions I have made.
People, don't trick yourself into thinking that religion or some other tip will help give you peace, because only you can do that. So take the steps, to reconcile, to heal, to build up and to love. Only when you find what you love and allow yourself to be happy can you truly be at peace.

Going Home

Really your home is where your heart is, that is what they all say. Well it's true isn't it?
Not exactly. My heart doesn't exactly live in one place, but I know where my home is because I know where my heart is protected. I know where I have friends that will stand next to me, and fight every male or female who bothers me, they would spend all night worrying about my safety and health, and they would shower me with love.
Home is where I remember smiles, laughter and tears for no good reason. Home is the sound of pots and pans filling the sink and towel fights, cards against humanity nights, smash bros, and snuggles.
Home is with my family. It's not a conventional family, but its mine.
It's made up of Dad, Aunt, Sis, and Sis, Uncles and Brothers, and Him.
All of them.
Without one single person, it's not a family anymore, and we can always add to the family but you can't get rid of anyone of us, or we would just be a group of friends.
Each one of us has a role to play in each others lives, and without that person, we would be lost. At least speaking for myself, I can't go without my family.
Because I love them. I would die for them. Granted I don't know each and everyone perfectly well, and we have just started this family, but its grown on me, and they have the key to my happiness.
They know how to love me, and they know how to protect me. Without them I can't do it alone.
So fam, I am coming home, If you will have me, and I never want to lose you again. YOU mean the world to me.
Sincerely,
The girl, The once in awhile MOM, and the friend forever.

Pieces

I can see you staring

You wish and you wonder but you have no idea

My eyes cant close my heart is pounding

Its not long before its over

Its not long before I quit again

Running, its all I've ever known

But you stopped my heart reached out to me

Set me free

Let me be

Now look at me

It just ain't the same

Its just to hard the pain

But you never understood that

Didn't take that into consideration

No moderation

You kept going and I got lost

Cold and alone forever the cost

Don't take one more step towards me

I cant go on this way cause you tearing my heart into

Pieces

Drifting along the river

Just ripped apart

Like the cold breaking winter

So long my dear, there's only pieces left to part

God knows I'm trying

Crying

Broken on the stair case

I'm still seeing your eyes as we fight

There isn't nothin I wouldn't do to stop

But you keep on

Say we need

To go on

As if you had a plan

But really all along, you knew

It just wasnt gonna do

New Developements

So today started out normal, like any other day. I think today  more than ever I could not stop thinking about my boyfriend all day and I had a lot of other things on my mind concerning school, and my healthcare.
I got a call from my doctor and tomorrow I start on the medication for my heart. I am above being nervous, I am actually sorta panicking.
Life gets into a routine some days and when something jolts that around, it makes you stop and think about things. Well this heart condition has been a big bump in the road for a year now. I am nervous because of my background with pills, and depression and right now things are not stable enough for me to trust myself. I am not ready to begin a new life. I am stuck in my old ways, including my doubting and boy crazy self.
For example, my heart has been chained up for almost 3 full months now, and even before then I didn't let my guard down, but my current boyfriend makes me feel as if I should let my guard down so we can talk and connect. I agree, but I am also my old self who doubts every guy I am ever with. Recently I got advice from a friend that maybe I should take a step back and think about what I am getting into.
He is a great boyfriend but that's not the point.
First of all, I like this guy and I don't want to hurt him ever.
Second, He still needs time to figure out what he wants.
And third, I don't think he realizes how much I have not only become attached and how much I truly care.
I want whats best for him, and I would sacrifice being happy for that, but I know its gonna hurt, so I am still nervous.

I am super worried right now, because I really need a job and to concentrate on school, but I don't want to put him on the back burner. I need to get into a routine or I will be stressed to the max.
I think change is extremely hard to handle sometimes, but as I have learned recently- you have to go before your ready.

Down on my Luck

Frustrated. Damn right. No one saw this one coming. I took a sip and again I am down the drain, another one down and more on the way, not to mention the hate pouring from my heart.
I hope to wake up one day and feel like I can deserve some kind of praise. I need help. No body understands why I work so hard, because for me its not natural to do the things they do. I can't belt and I can't be perfect.
I am drowning in a world full of people who don't understand that what I am struggling through can't be fixed right away.
All I know to do is run, so I am gonna run far far away from all the thoughts and drowning, and i will eventually stop and find a place perfect for me, and maybe I will succeed at something. But for now I get to suffer through the pain and shit. Everything I know is a lie.
Why cant I just be normal or better at what I love?
Why did you curse me with this God?
I am not sure what I believe in anymore or who I should depend on, I know I have a good support group here and great friends, but I just can't handle this. I feel myself slipping back into depression and cutting and wanting to leave this place for ever. I will never make it in this world, I am a quitter. I don't believe in things lasting, because I have never succeeded. I want to stop the negativity but its too hard.
Suffering is just a passing by memory, one day I will go far and they will see that. I am sorry to go on like this,  but I just needed to vent. Help me out, let me know what I can do.

Lost in the Big Bad City

Chicago. Seattle. New York.
Danger around every corner, yet my home. I don't expect to get raped everyday or get robbed, but I know the dangers are still out there. What would I be if I let every little bad thing affect the way I live my life though? I will no doubt become lost several times in the city and probably one of these late nights I will find myself stranded with no phone or transportation. So let me make the best of what I do have and where I am.
So many people who live in the city lose touch with their humanity. I pass millions of people everyday who refuse to acknowledge that someone other than themselves exists. They plug in their devices and listen to whatever radio or music that isolates them from the nitty gritty. Look around you, behind you and beside you. There are thousands of people just waiting to connect, a smile, a handshake or maybe just a hello.
When did mankind find his phone more interesting than the woman who has lived 60 years of life and half of it on the streets? We need to open up our ears and eyes and live a little.
I challenge you to do something human, give each other a chance to feel connected and love each other.
Sometimes its really just a small hello.
Take the headphones out and experience the life, the hustle and the bustle of the city you live in. It's time to wake up America.

Let's Talk

Nobody wants to hear their partner say those four words "We need to talk". it is the worst feeling of doom in your life. One minute your relaxing and imagining you and your partner having dinner at a fancy hotel and the next your dreams are crushed. Eventually mankind will find a better way to communicate with each other but until then, here are a few words of advice when going blind into the gloomy situation.
Don't expect things to be destroyed yet you must prepare for the worst. Don't agonize over every little thing you think you could have done wrong, remember that we all have faults and maybe they just want a sincere talk. But who am I kidding? The one subject we all know to well is breaking up. It might happen, yes. I am not going to sit here and tell you that your better off, because what a hypocrite I would be. I fell myself teetering off the edge sometimes because I don't know what's running through his mind. But I am here to stand up for him and I and to fight for what I believe is right.
I look back on every time I told my partner(s) that  we needed to talk. I was down right evil because  I cut it off every time without giving it a second thought or letting them chime in on how they felt. I took advantage of the power situation and I hurt several people.

Maybe it's catching up to me, and maybe I will learn my lesson. My advice, you ask? Find the person who you care about so deeply that it will never cross your mind that you would break up when they say those infamous words. You are everything you make yourself to be.