Feeling Fine

Fine. Does anyone know what that really means?
Freaked out, Insecure,Neurotic, and Emotional.
It is the definition of my life, I will never be good, or okay, or great. I will fake it, but I will always be fine. I learned years ago that the things that make you happy don't always work out. I struggle finding the light, and finding the happiness in situations. So I will pull on my big girl pants and put the lipstick on, but I will inside be broken and crying. All I wish for are comforting arms to wrap around me in a hug, to tell me it will be alright and I can let it go.
That will never be, because my walls are built up again, my eyes swollen shut- no more tears I swear.
I can be happy for them, and I can smile and laugh, but my true happiness will come when I finally let it all go and can live free with the person who helps me break down those chains.
So here is to feeling fine!
Let's celebrate that I have gotten this far and can still go on with out any one noticing the pain I am suffering through. I still hurt from my past, and it's left such deep scars that its gonna take a miracle to heal this.
Maybe I'll get lucky, you know you can only wish so much and then you realize dreams, wishes.. they are just a figment of your imagination. The day someone convinces me they are real, is the day I might just believe again.
So, world I will be fine. I am fine. That's what I'll say when they ask, and they will go on there way, little will they ever know!

There is No Looking Back

My piers have a saying, that you only live once. As much as that is true I don't agree with the actions that come along with that saying. People assume that when you say that you go do stupid shit that means nothing, but for me its not the same.
I will only live here with these people once, so why regret my decisions? Why sit here and think over the tedious things like should I kiss him, or should I leave him? No, I believe that if I feel something why not pursue it? There is nothing wrong in being happy, and enjoying what you have for the time you have it.
When you live this way, you don't waste time, and it seems like things progress faster than usual, but when you have that feeling, don't ignore it.
For example, I like a guy and I always have this thought to either kiss him or cuddle, so instead of sitting around waiting if the time is right, I won't be afraid to show my affection. If he says no, or doesn't want that then I don't take it personally I just know then that he doesn't want that.
Then I never live with the nagging feeling of what if..
So take life by the balls my friends, because its no fun hanging in the shadows.

Peace

Finding peace. One of life's hardest struggles. It's as if when we finally give up, the world throws all our guilt and pain back at us, reminding us of the terrible things we have done.
Peace. So many people find it easy to say, but don't be fooled by the religious advertisement. It's a lot harder than just accepting God.
Until now I have been kind careful about influencing any religious beliefs on anyone. I am not doing that here. I'm expressing what's happened to me in my life, so that you can learn from my history.
At the moment, among the hardest struggles of a college kid, I find it hard to touch base with peace. I know that it's the most important thing to do on my list though, because without peace your body and soul become entangled and lost in emotions you cannot decipher.
Yoga is most commonly looked upon as an exercise that can release tension so that you can find peace easier, but do not be fooled dear friends.
This matter, peace, is a lot harder to comprehend. If you have unfinished business or you are guilty or unhappy about something it is extremely hard for you to find the calm amongst the storm. First you need to figure out the problem that is keeping you restless,and address it.
Tonight, I found peace, granted I didn't find all of it, but I grasped on and I realized how only I can make a situation better in my perspective. Basically what I am saying is, its all in your control to find peace. You have to make the decision to be happy and calm and to deal with the matters that are distressing you.
I won't ever be completely satisfied unless I allow myself to be. I am not completely satisfied right now, but I am at peace with myself and the decisions I have made.
People, don't trick yourself into thinking that religion or some other tip will help give you peace, because only you can do that. So take the steps, to reconcile, to heal, to build up and to love. Only when you find what you love and allow yourself to be happy can you truly be at peace.

Going Home

Really your home is where your heart is, that is what they all say. Well it's true isn't it?
Not exactly. My heart doesn't exactly live in one place, but I know where my home is because I know where my heart is protected. I know where I have friends that will stand next to me, and fight every male or female who bothers me, they would spend all night worrying about my safety and health, and they would shower me with love.
Home is where I remember smiles, laughter and tears for no good reason. Home is the sound of pots and pans filling the sink and towel fights, cards against humanity nights, smash bros, and snuggles.
Home is with my family. It's not a conventional family, but its mine.
It's made up of Dad, Aunt, Sis, and Sis, Uncles and Brothers, and Him.
All of them.
Without one single person, it's not a family anymore, and we can always add to the family but you can't get rid of anyone of us, or we would just be a group of friends.
Each one of us has a role to play in each others lives, and without that person, we would be lost. At least speaking for myself, I can't go without my family.
Because I love them. I would die for them. Granted I don't know each and everyone perfectly well, and we have just started this family, but its grown on me, and they have the key to my happiness.
They know how to love me, and they know how to protect me. Without them I can't do it alone.
So fam, I am coming home, If you will have me, and I never want to lose you again. YOU mean the world to me.
Sincerely,
The girl, The once in awhile MOM, and the friend forever.

Pieces

I can see you staring

You wish and you wonder but you have no idea

My eyes cant close my heart is pounding

Its not long before its over

Its not long before I quit again

Running, its all I've ever known

But you stopped my heart reached out to me

Set me free

Let me be

Now look at me

It just ain't the same

Its just to hard the pain

But you never understood that

Didn't take that into consideration

No moderation

You kept going and I got lost

Cold and alone forever the cost

Don't take one more step towards me

I cant go on this way cause you tearing my heart into

Pieces

Drifting along the river

Just ripped apart

Like the cold breaking winter

So long my dear, there's only pieces left to part

God knows I'm trying

Crying

Broken on the stair case

I'm still seeing your eyes as we fight

There isn't nothin I wouldn't do to stop

But you keep on

Say we need

To go on

As if you had a plan

But really all along, you knew

It just wasnt gonna do

New Developements

So today started out normal, like any other day. I think today  more than ever I could not stop thinking about my boyfriend all day and I had a lot of other things on my mind concerning school, and my healthcare.
I got a call from my doctor and tomorrow I start on the medication for my heart. I am above being nervous, I am actually sorta panicking.
Life gets into a routine some days and when something jolts that around, it makes you stop and think about things. Well this heart condition has been a big bump in the road for a year now. I am nervous because of my background with pills, and depression and right now things are not stable enough for me to trust myself. I am not ready to begin a new life. I am stuck in my old ways, including my doubting and boy crazy self.
For example, my heart has been chained up for almost 3 full months now, and even before then I didn't let my guard down, but my current boyfriend makes me feel as if I should let my guard down so we can talk and connect. I agree, but I am also my old self who doubts every guy I am ever with. Recently I got advice from a friend that maybe I should take a step back and think about what I am getting into.
He is a great boyfriend but that's not the point.
First of all, I like this guy and I don't want to hurt him ever.
Second, He still needs time to figure out what he wants.
And third, I don't think he realizes how much I have not only become attached and how much I truly care.
I want whats best for him, and I would sacrifice being happy for that, but I know its gonna hurt, so I am still nervous.

I am super worried right now, because I really need a job and to concentrate on school, but I don't want to put him on the back burner. I need to get into a routine or I will be stressed to the max.
I think change is extremely hard to handle sometimes, but as I have learned recently- you have to go before your ready.

Down on my Luck

Frustrated. Damn right. No one saw this one coming. I took a sip and again I am down the drain, another one down and more on the way, not to mention the hate pouring from my heart.
I hope to wake up one day and feel like I can deserve some kind of praise. I need help. No body understands why I work so hard, because for me its not natural to do the things they do. I can't belt and I can't be perfect.
I am drowning in a world full of people who don't understand that what I am struggling through can't be fixed right away.
All I know to do is run, so I am gonna run far far away from all the thoughts and drowning, and i will eventually stop and find a place perfect for me, and maybe I will succeed at something. But for now I get to suffer through the pain and shit. Everything I know is a lie.
Why cant I just be normal or better at what I love?
Why did you curse me with this God?
I am not sure what I believe in anymore or who I should depend on, I know I have a good support group here and great friends, but I just can't handle this. I feel myself slipping back into depression and cutting and wanting to leave this place for ever. I will never make it in this world, I am a quitter. I don't believe in things lasting, because I have never succeeded. I want to stop the negativity but its too hard.
Suffering is just a passing by memory, one day I will go far and they will see that. I am sorry to go on like this,  but I just needed to vent. Help me out, let me know what I can do.

Lost in the Big Bad City

Chicago. Seattle. New York.
Danger around every corner, yet my home. I don't expect to get raped everyday or get robbed, but I know the dangers are still out there. What would I be if I let every little bad thing affect the way I live my life though? I will no doubt become lost several times in the city and probably one of these late nights I will find myself stranded with no phone or transportation. So let me make the best of what I do have and where I am.
So many people who live in the city lose touch with their humanity. I pass millions of people everyday who refuse to acknowledge that someone other than themselves exists. They plug in their devices and listen to whatever radio or music that isolates them from the nitty gritty. Look around you, behind you and beside you. There are thousands of people just waiting to connect, a smile, a handshake or maybe just a hello.
When did mankind find his phone more interesting than the woman who has lived 60 years of life and half of it on the streets? We need to open up our ears and eyes and live a little.
I challenge you to do something human, give each other a chance to feel connected and love each other.
Sometimes its really just a small hello.
Take the headphones out and experience the life, the hustle and the bustle of the city you live in. It's time to wake up America.

Let's Talk

Nobody wants to hear their partner say those four words "We need to talk". it is the worst feeling of doom in your life. One minute your relaxing and imagining you and your partner having dinner at a fancy hotel and the next your dreams are crushed. Eventually mankind will find a better way to communicate with each other but until then, here are a few words of advice when going blind into the gloomy situation.
Don't expect things to be destroyed yet you must prepare for the worst. Don't agonize over every little thing you think you could have done wrong, remember that we all have faults and maybe they just want a sincere talk. But who am I kidding? The one subject we all know to well is breaking up. It might happen, yes. I am not going to sit here and tell you that your better off, because what a hypocrite I would be. I fell myself teetering off the edge sometimes because I don't know what's running through his mind. But I am here to stand up for him and I and to fight for what I believe is right.
I look back on every time I told my partner(s) that  we needed to talk. I was down right evil because  I cut it off every time without giving it a second thought or letting them chime in on how they felt. I took advantage of the power situation and I hurt several people.

Maybe it's catching up to me, and maybe I will learn my lesson. My advice, you ask? Find the person who you care about so deeply that it will never cross your mind that you would break up when they say those infamous words. You are everything you make yourself to be.

Complications

My heart is stuck in a hard spot right now, because I have lost my last key to the walls I have built up.
I am not sure that I want to let go. I look at his eyes and I lose all control, there are so many things I want to tell him, and share with him, but I am not ready. I have built up all these lies and thoughts to deceive others until now. All I want to do is  give up to him and let the truth pour out.
He is the most important thing to me in my life right now. I can't stop staring into his deep green eyes and imagine how would I make it in this life without him. Little does he know that I am messed up. I am scared and hurt to the point of breaking down every time I let those small little thoughts come into my mind. Life is complicated and when I am pressed to release my thoughts I panic.
Last night I ended up in the hospital due to my heart condition and I can't remember half the experience because all I wanted to do was talk to him the entire night. He has my heart in his hand and all he wants is for me to open up to him.
But i am confused by my past and lost because I have been through so much. How do I put my past behind me and let go of the lies that are holding me back? This is the question I have for you my love because I don't know what else to do.

Roses and Their Thorns

There are always ups to every situation, and then there are the downs. If you live your life looking at the downs you live completely consumed by the thorns of life. I know many sayings point to count your blessings or look on the bright side, but that isn't what I'm stressing. I am saying don't make yourself miserable when you can make it better.
Sometimes your just stuck in a shitty position. It happens, and most people just stay stuck. Not every situation you can control but if you had the chance to wouldn't you want to?
When you finally reach the point of exhaustion you have no energy to help recuperate yourself. You have to take the time to step out of the situation and ask yourself, Is this a good thing for me to be involved with right now? I think as an example college comes to mind. I recently moved into college for my freshman year and I have quickly realized that I have to think about what each event and activity will lead to. Am I ready to stay up all night and get up early or should I take another look at this?
There are always options. When picking flowers you have many choices and if you choose to pick the ruby red rose remember that it comes with thorns.
Sometimes the tiniest daisy is the least noticed but the best in the end.
A good rule of thumb when you head out into the crazy jungle is to think of where you plan to be in 4 hours. What consequences would affect your plan, and how can you make the difficult situation turn into a great learning experience and fabulous time.
Right now I have to remind myself that even if I have an urge to do something, it may not be whats best for me. You have to look out for yourself first because there is one of you and many opportunities in life.
Complicated lives can be the best stories, so don't be fatigued and get frustrated, because there are people right here to pull you through. Most importantly don't forget about taking care of yourself.