Butterflies fly around my room and sparkles from the sunlight drift in as if it was a fairy tale. But it is one, always was. The day you wake up from childhood and step into adulthood is the worst day of your life. You can never go back, which means you spend the rest of your life desiring to be that little child again. The never ending dream of catching butterflies and frolicking in the sunshine, not caring how you look or having to impress anyone with your actions. Its really a sense of freedom.
One day I will die and be free of those tedious adult thoughts.
The closest I get to that Child inside me is when I dance. Drifting across the wood floor, slipping away into a sense of happiness that is short lived and simple. Feeling like you can fly across the floor in a flash of twirls and dips and steps. That couple seconds of feeling when you feel absolutely free. NO one can take it away from you. You close your eyes and get lost into the music. It's as if you stepped into a painting and all the colors wrap you up and move you around till you can not stop them anymore and you give in to the music. YOU run, and walk and jump. You do anything you want to do, because you can.
I want that forever. That's my reason for dying. That is the reason I can't wait to slip into a sleep I won't wake up from. So I can be eternally young. I can finally be free. No more pain, no more decisions and no more baggage. The only tears I will be shedding is those of pure happiness. Glistening like diamonds on my cheeks, they will be full of memories that I can let go of and be the little child I have always been.
Really we all are children we just get to a point where we cover it up with superficial characteristics, because we think that the word "childish" means something not worth our time, as if it has no importance. Ironic isn't it? Cause deep down inside we all know that the Child inside of us makes us who we are. It's the best part of us.
Saturday, May 16, 2015
Relationship Trama
I suck at relationships, no I really really do. My current boyfriend said to my face that my best friend makes a better girlfriend than I do... I am over that being hurtful though. I have learned that when it comes to relationships its honestly best to not have one until you are ready. But when you do find that special someone here are a few tips you should keep in mind.
I know from experience that you have to give and take, not one person can lead a relationship.
You have to love openly and embrace any chance you get to show how much you care, because you really never know if you will get another chance or not. No one deserves to feel as if they are shunned for their outward looks or for their character. You shouldn't have to change who you are to be with someone. They should love you unconditionally for all your faults and all your baggage.
When you are in a relationship with someone, your baggage is theirs and their baggage is yours. You work as a team and you help pull each other out of the rough spots.
Most importantly you speak the truth, and not in a negative way. You are honest with them, and you don't gossip or go behind someone's back and tell all their friends lies. Don't exaggerate to them, and don't do it to yourself. Your worst enemy is yourself. Only you have control over how you process data and information.
For example, when I get overwhelmed with relationship problems, I blame them on people I shouldn't and I tend to get myself worked up a lot. These things are really not good for me since I have a tendency to think about suicidal thoughts when I get overly stressed. I am my worst enemy and I have to tell myself that all the time. I have to remind myself when no one else is there for me that I am gonna make it through and things will be better. Relationships are hard work, but at the same time they shouldn't always be like that. You shouldn't have to struggle every day to breathe, or to be communicating, so if that's what is happening take my advice and leave that person because if they don't make you a better person by being with them, than they aren't worth it.
I know from experience that you have to give and take, not one person can lead a relationship.
You have to love openly and embrace any chance you get to show how much you care, because you really never know if you will get another chance or not. No one deserves to feel as if they are shunned for their outward looks or for their character. You shouldn't have to change who you are to be with someone. They should love you unconditionally for all your faults and all your baggage.
When you are in a relationship with someone, your baggage is theirs and their baggage is yours. You work as a team and you help pull each other out of the rough spots.
Most importantly you speak the truth, and not in a negative way. You are honest with them, and you don't gossip or go behind someone's back and tell all their friends lies. Don't exaggerate to them, and don't do it to yourself. Your worst enemy is yourself. Only you have control over how you process data and information.
For example, when I get overwhelmed with relationship problems, I blame them on people I shouldn't and I tend to get myself worked up a lot. These things are really not good for me since I have a tendency to think about suicidal thoughts when I get overly stressed. I am my worst enemy and I have to tell myself that all the time. I have to remind myself when no one else is there for me that I am gonna make it through and things will be better. Relationships are hard work, but at the same time they shouldn't always be like that. You shouldn't have to struggle every day to breathe, or to be communicating, so if that's what is happening take my advice and leave that person because if they don't make you a better person by being with them, than they aren't worth it.
Thursday, March 26, 2015
Plastic
It's time to put on another face, to get up and smile that "genuine" smile that everyone will think is real, or at least won't question. It's time to pick up the pieces of your broken life and to step into the sunshine, and tell yourself that it will be a good day. It's time to put on the plastic covering of you and live the day like you always do. I know like everyone else that the true you is in there, crying your heart out and dying inside because you can't face them. You can't get up and look them in the eyes and say you're fine without a plastic covering, cause the truth is you're not fine. You are worse than you have ever been, but they can't take the truth. They just make it worse.
So go on, put the plastic on and roll your shoulders back and breath in a good breathe.
Here is a good hint too, tell yourself everyday, you are loved and you are a good person. Then cover up those lies and convince yourself that if you told them the truth you would hurt even more.
Let me explain the reason behind the symbol of the plastic. You are sitting there and you for some reason have this ache in your chest, and your head is filled with a thousand voices or thoughts. Just remember that you are going through something that doesn't just heal right away. YOU must know that this is not an illness or sickness, rather it is a phase, just like the next one where all you will want to do is hurt someone to take the pain away, and the phase where you just want to cry forever, curling in a ball to forget the worries.
You must understand that there are people who know whats going on, but you have to tell yourself that only a few really care in the way that will help, so rather than load your crap or burdens on them, either slowly let them go, or cover up till they fade away.
I sit in my bathtub with the hot water pouring down on my head. The heat is so much that it distracts my body from the inside pain. I take a few pills to cause numbness so that the heat doesn't hurt as bad. I turn the lights off so I don't have to look at the blood, or the scars. I release my burdens, and give way to my inner self for a few seconds of relief. Then I stand once again and wipe away the blood, sweat and tears. I get out and go on with my daily routines. I turn the voices off in my head that tell me, its not okay, and I reach down and put on my plastic face. It's easier that way.
So go on, put the plastic on and roll your shoulders back and breath in a good breathe.
Here is a good hint too, tell yourself everyday, you are loved and you are a good person. Then cover up those lies and convince yourself that if you told them the truth you would hurt even more.
Let me explain the reason behind the symbol of the plastic. You are sitting there and you for some reason have this ache in your chest, and your head is filled with a thousand voices or thoughts. Just remember that you are going through something that doesn't just heal right away. YOU must know that this is not an illness or sickness, rather it is a phase, just like the next one where all you will want to do is hurt someone to take the pain away, and the phase where you just want to cry forever, curling in a ball to forget the worries.
You must understand that there are people who know whats going on, but you have to tell yourself that only a few really care in the way that will help, so rather than load your crap or burdens on them, either slowly let them go, or cover up till they fade away.
I sit in my bathtub with the hot water pouring down on my head. The heat is so much that it distracts my body from the inside pain. I take a few pills to cause numbness so that the heat doesn't hurt as bad. I turn the lights off so I don't have to look at the blood, or the scars. I release my burdens, and give way to my inner self for a few seconds of relief. Then I stand once again and wipe away the blood, sweat and tears. I get out and go on with my daily routines. I turn the voices off in my head that tell me, its not okay, and I reach down and put on my plastic face. It's easier that way.
Friends with Benefits
I know what your thinking. How on earth could I be a part of something like friends with benefits. Well a year ago I would have said the same thing. Trouble is, I'm not even sure if that's what is happening and I am just as confused as any teenage girl when there are boys involved.
Out of all the people I know he should know better than to mess with my heart like this. Yet here he is doing that exact thing. Girls, let me give you a little advice. Take it from someone who has been in a few terrible situations and doesn't know what to do about it.
You always get told that guys only have one thing on their mind. Well, I always just pushed those comments aside, but now that I have experienced so much, I can say to you. IT's true. Every word they say about how they just want sex and have only one thing on their mind. Please make good decisions and protect your heart and feelings, because all they will do is pull you in and then toy with your emotions to get you to give them what they want.
Right now my best friend has done what he has done with all the girls he gets with. He has said all the right things, but he hasn't put a label on it and hasn't respected me, but instead he goes around saying we are "doing it" and I have a hold on him, when really it's the opposite.
They all lie, and its hard. So girls, listen to one with too many scars to count. Build those walls high around your heart, and don't let him in. Don't let him lie to you with his pretty words, his flirts, and his looks. When it comes down to what counts, you don't want to be the one standing in an empty room with tears down your cheeks because he didn't mean any of it.
Get out of the poor decisions you know you will make before they happen. Make the choice not to accept the invite to the party, or to "hang " with him.
It will be better for you in the long run, Trust me.
Out of all the people I know he should know better than to mess with my heart like this. Yet here he is doing that exact thing. Girls, let me give you a little advice. Take it from someone who has been in a few terrible situations and doesn't know what to do about it.
You always get told that guys only have one thing on their mind. Well, I always just pushed those comments aside, but now that I have experienced so much, I can say to you. IT's true. Every word they say about how they just want sex and have only one thing on their mind. Please make good decisions and protect your heart and feelings, because all they will do is pull you in and then toy with your emotions to get you to give them what they want.
Right now my best friend has done what he has done with all the girls he gets with. He has said all the right things, but he hasn't put a label on it and hasn't respected me, but instead he goes around saying we are "doing it" and I have a hold on him, when really it's the opposite.
They all lie, and its hard. So girls, listen to one with too many scars to count. Build those walls high around your heart, and don't let him in. Don't let him lie to you with his pretty words, his flirts, and his looks. When it comes down to what counts, you don't want to be the one standing in an empty room with tears down your cheeks because he didn't mean any of it.
Get out of the poor decisions you know you will make before they happen. Make the choice not to accept the invite to the party, or to "hang " with him.
It will be better for you in the long run, Trust me.
Friday, March 13, 2015
Inside coming Out
I've listened to so many people tell me over and over again, history repeats itself. And then I also hear people tell me, you need to move on. The problem is, I feel trapped. As if everything is tumbling down on top of me. And its not as if I have an overwhelming life, sure I am not normal but really is anyone? I think my past mistakes have bogged me down to the point where I can't trust completely. I fail to move on, and every time I get close, I find myself saying its not possible to be happy.
That is such a lie. You don't have to believe that it will get better, in fact you don't have to trust at all that things will change. You just have to address the inside thoughts, and let them come out. If you don't do that part you can never fully say to yourself, I can do this. The first step to getting rid of all your baggage is acknowledging you have it, and letting it come out. I know from experience its not good to let things stay inside for a long time.
I have loved a lot of people, and no I am not talking about dating. I mean love. I have been through trails of agonizing pain and usually I come out of the mess, quiet and alone. I bottle all my feelings up and I cry to myself when no one looks. But when it gets to the point where I can't keep it in I explode. So let it out. Its a really good thing to yell, to cry or to show your emotions and get all that pain out. Some people react different than others, but its always good to try. Find that one friend that will stick by you even if you yell your heart out at them.
For me its my sister, she lets me vent, repeatedly. She knows that my emotions can make me stupid and say awful things so she lets it go and then when I have recovered she gives gentle sympathy and advice, mostly saying she supports me.
I wish I had done more to let it out. I look back and I haven't really lived. I have made countless excuses to get out of things, I have shut myself off from people and I seclude myself out of events. I cherish the small memories I have. If it weren't for my very persuasive sisters and friends, I would melt away without any memories of fun times. I don't want to make the same mistakes but I still get scared/ I sit here thinking I wish I could be free from the burden of these walls. I built these walls around me to keep safe, but they also keep people out. Let it out, change your decision to stay home and go out instead. Because staying in those walls won't allow you to live and it won't build friendships or memories. Love, and live. My motto for you all, Live every day to the fullest, cause who knows what the day will bring. Forget about yesterday, live in the moment and don't wish for tomorrow.
That is such a lie. You don't have to believe that it will get better, in fact you don't have to trust at all that things will change. You just have to address the inside thoughts, and let them come out. If you don't do that part you can never fully say to yourself, I can do this. The first step to getting rid of all your baggage is acknowledging you have it, and letting it come out. I know from experience its not good to let things stay inside for a long time.
I have loved a lot of people, and no I am not talking about dating. I mean love. I have been through trails of agonizing pain and usually I come out of the mess, quiet and alone. I bottle all my feelings up and I cry to myself when no one looks. But when it gets to the point where I can't keep it in I explode. So let it out. Its a really good thing to yell, to cry or to show your emotions and get all that pain out. Some people react different than others, but its always good to try. Find that one friend that will stick by you even if you yell your heart out at them.
For me its my sister, she lets me vent, repeatedly. She knows that my emotions can make me stupid and say awful things so she lets it go and then when I have recovered she gives gentle sympathy and advice, mostly saying she supports me.
I wish I had done more to let it out. I look back and I haven't really lived. I have made countless excuses to get out of things, I have shut myself off from people and I seclude myself out of events. I cherish the small memories I have. If it weren't for my very persuasive sisters and friends, I would melt away without any memories of fun times. I don't want to make the same mistakes but I still get scared/ I sit here thinking I wish I could be free from the burden of these walls. I built these walls around me to keep safe, but they also keep people out. Let it out, change your decision to stay home and go out instead. Because staying in those walls won't allow you to live and it won't build friendships or memories. Love, and live. My motto for you all, Live every day to the fullest, cause who knows what the day will bring. Forget about yesterday, live in the moment and don't wish for tomorrow.
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
Crush mania
I am sure you have all had a time in your lives where you have experienced what the world says as a "crush". And maybe you girls have felt "boy crazy" before. Here is just a little story and insight on what I have dealt with.Not saying this happens to everyone, or that it happens to you specifically at all, but if its useful at all, I want to share.
I currently , of course, have a crush. But at this time in my life I can confidently say, I have gotten to the point where a crush doesn't mean what it used to be. I used to think that I would be lucky enough to have my crush ask me out or fall in love with me, but what I have realized is that you can be so much more happy when you are not obsessing about some guy. We all love to say things and get all flirtatious and there is nothing wrong with that, but there comes a time when you must realize that he isn't just going to come sweep you off your feet and be your prince charming.
It is very hard to move on and seeing others with your crush is also hard, but if you truly like this person than you will want what is best for them in their lives, and that is not always you. My crush, for one isn't to the point where he will see anything more than a friend in me, and he also isn't the type of guy who will want to just love me, but will want things from me that I don't want to give.
So he isn't worth it, and not worth the time to obsess or flirt with. He is just a sweet guy, who , yes, is attractive and who I won't ever be in a relationship with. But I fully support him in everything he does.
I wish I had been told how silly crushes can be and how some can be big annoyances in my life when I was younger. I would have saved myself a lot of heartache an worry and had so much more fun just living my life and being content. Take the advice from one who has been a little boy crazy in her life, it is for the best not to have a crush. It might be hard at first but at least you will feel better in the long run.
I currently , of course, have a crush. But at this time in my life I can confidently say, I have gotten to the point where a crush doesn't mean what it used to be. I used to think that I would be lucky enough to have my crush ask me out or fall in love with me, but what I have realized is that you can be so much more happy when you are not obsessing about some guy. We all love to say things and get all flirtatious and there is nothing wrong with that, but there comes a time when you must realize that he isn't just going to come sweep you off your feet and be your prince charming.
It is very hard to move on and seeing others with your crush is also hard, but if you truly like this person than you will want what is best for them in their lives, and that is not always you. My crush, for one isn't to the point where he will see anything more than a friend in me, and he also isn't the type of guy who will want to just love me, but will want things from me that I don't want to give.
So he isn't worth it, and not worth the time to obsess or flirt with. He is just a sweet guy, who , yes, is attractive and who I won't ever be in a relationship with. But I fully support him in everything he does.
I wish I had been told how silly crushes can be and how some can be big annoyances in my life when I was younger. I would have saved myself a lot of heartache an worry and had so much more fun just living my life and being content. Take the advice from one who has been a little boy crazy in her life, it is for the best not to have a crush. It might be hard at first but at least you will feel better in the long run.
Scary Shadows
Ever feel like you are just stuck in the dark shadows of the public world? Like you just want to dance down the street or sing loud, maybe just talk and share, but you don't? Well you are not alone. I am always the last one to speak up if I am not in my own circle of friends, and even then I don't often start a conversation or break out of the shadows often. I think we all tend to believe the shadows are a safe place to be, but really it's the scariest place to be. If you stay there long enough it becomes harder and harder to come away from them.
The shadows are where I met the worst friends. In fact they weren't friends, more like stalkers. Their names are Depression, Cutting, Suicidal Thoughts and Desperation. I met them when I hadn't even started public school. I met them when I was around the age of 9. They used to steal me away to my room and lock me in for hours, and then on some days they would take me to the creek in the woods near my house. I didn't really understand what they were doing until the fights started. I never used to yell, or hit things. I never got into fights with my parents until I was 10. My stalkers would seclude me from the truth, and whisper lies to me and without fail I would listen.
I think the worst part was sitting alone on my bed and getting the feeling like I was tearing away my pain by cutting my legs and arms. I didn't ever think about telling my parents, and when I was found out by my friends at youth group, it was too late. I had taken myself completely out of the family picture. So many things changed, new home and new city. I lived with my sis, and little did she know what was really going on. Then she found out the worst way possible. It was sophomore year, basketball season, and I had cut my arms pretty good. For some reason I don't even remember why I was mad, but I had txted my old friend from youth group some flippant remarks about how much I hated life and wanted to die. I didn't answer my phone for a few hours, cause I went downstairs to play with my niece. He was worried, and if it had been him I would have been too.
That night two police officers showed up at my door and demanded me to show my arms. My sister had no idea what was going on. She saw my cuts and couldn't believe that I had done that to myself. I spent the next 30 minutes in the back of a cop car riding to the emergency room. I talked to doctors and councilors all night. I realized that night, I had caused so much panic, and I didn't even know the reason why I had done it in the first place.
For me counselors didn't help solve the problem, I went through another year of pain and torture, until I took a step out of the shadows and told my stalkers I was done. I hung my emergency bracelet on the wall of my room for me to always remember that I wasn't that person, that was just a person who had been told lies and beaten down by the world. It is the hardest choice in my life that I have made so far. Stepping out and talking or just letting it go is the hardest thing ever, but I know for a fact it just gets better and better with time. And now when I feel those whispers creeping up on me, I just shake my head and look at that bracelet and remember who I really am. I am a young lady who believes in herself no matter what the world does to bring me down.
If you have ever experienced this, or you are having trouble, there are so many people who love you and want to help. I am also always here for advice and just for listening if that's all you need. I know how hard it is to reach out, so when you want to do the same I am all about supporting you and helping in whatever way I can.
The shadows are where I met the worst friends. In fact they weren't friends, more like stalkers. Their names are Depression, Cutting, Suicidal Thoughts and Desperation. I met them when I hadn't even started public school. I met them when I was around the age of 9. They used to steal me away to my room and lock me in for hours, and then on some days they would take me to the creek in the woods near my house. I didn't really understand what they were doing until the fights started. I never used to yell, or hit things. I never got into fights with my parents until I was 10. My stalkers would seclude me from the truth, and whisper lies to me and without fail I would listen.
I think the worst part was sitting alone on my bed and getting the feeling like I was tearing away my pain by cutting my legs and arms. I didn't ever think about telling my parents, and when I was found out by my friends at youth group, it was too late. I had taken myself completely out of the family picture. So many things changed, new home and new city. I lived with my sis, and little did she know what was really going on. Then she found out the worst way possible. It was sophomore year, basketball season, and I had cut my arms pretty good. For some reason I don't even remember why I was mad, but I had txted my old friend from youth group some flippant remarks about how much I hated life and wanted to die. I didn't answer my phone for a few hours, cause I went downstairs to play with my niece. He was worried, and if it had been him I would have been too.
That night two police officers showed up at my door and demanded me to show my arms. My sister had no idea what was going on. She saw my cuts and couldn't believe that I had done that to myself. I spent the next 30 minutes in the back of a cop car riding to the emergency room. I talked to doctors and councilors all night. I realized that night, I had caused so much panic, and I didn't even know the reason why I had done it in the first place.
For me counselors didn't help solve the problem, I went through another year of pain and torture, until I took a step out of the shadows and told my stalkers I was done. I hung my emergency bracelet on the wall of my room for me to always remember that I wasn't that person, that was just a person who had been told lies and beaten down by the world. It is the hardest choice in my life that I have made so far. Stepping out and talking or just letting it go is the hardest thing ever, but I know for a fact it just gets better and better with time. And now when I feel those whispers creeping up on me, I just shake my head and look at that bracelet and remember who I really am. I am a young lady who believes in herself no matter what the world does to bring me down.
If you have ever experienced this, or you are having trouble, there are so many people who love you and want to help. I am also always here for advice and just for listening if that's all you need. I know how hard it is to reach out, so when you want to do the same I am all about supporting you and helping in whatever way I can.
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