My story- Just the beginning

August 3rd 2011.

I was having a normal day for a home schooled kid age fourteen, except that my home was anything but normal. Of course to me, it was just another day of dealing with my mother's anger, mood swings, and violent behavior. Let's just call it as it is- Abuse.

Don't get me wrong, I respect my mom a lot, she gave birth to me, cared for me, taught me, and brought me up with manners. But she had some downfalls like everyone does, just hers were worse and they affected me physically and mentally. She would throw objects at me and my siblings including furniture, dishes, and any valuable she could get her hands on. She would discipline us but not in a normal way, she was extreme and when I mean extreme I mean when she found a Juicy Fruit gum wrapper of mine she flipped out since she didn't allow gum that wasn't dental gum, so she got four packs of gum and made me chew a golf ball sized piece of gum until my jaw hurt for days. I learned my lesson, but still disciplining your child until they hurt physically doesn't make sense does it?

Some days I would get up to 4 or 5 spankings as a child, all the way till I was 14 years old when I left. She would break wooden spoons by how hard she hit, and would use the skinny switches from the apple tree in our back yard- which drew blood almost every time. Now that's just a glimpse of the physical abuse, and emotionally she was even worse.
Every time you would stand up for yourself or try to talk to her at all, she would turn every word against you and blame you for everything. She would say something along the lines of, " So I guess I am the big ugly witch in your life because you did something you weren't suppose to do and I am enforcing the rules here!" and her most famous quote, "It's just shut up and put up for me!" when we would try to stand up for ourselves. Basically she acted like a child throwing a fit and if we didn't grovel and ask for forgiveness and repent our "terrible" sins than we were looked on as a child who would burn in hell and treated as such.

Fourteen years of abuse, and I still to this day hate calling it that because she still has a spell on me, as if she controls me. But after every sibling had left and broken contact with my parents, I was alone and fully to blame for all my siblings downfalls including mine as well. Not to mention her anger against my dad was also another reason to take it out on me, as I was with her 24/7 in a house and I wasn't often allowed to leave unless she knew exactly where I was going and for how long and only on her terms. So I finally left after being dragged by my hair, cursed out and beaten. I took a stand and left - walking in barefoot on the hot pavement for quite awhile before I got to the nearest church.
It took every ounce of courage to knock on the door and ask for a ride to my brother's house. But somehow I did, and when I had gotten there I took the first step out of the car and I wish I could say I didn't look back- but I did. And over the next 5 years it would get me into some of the worst situations I could imagine.

I want to redefine this blog by starting to post about my experiences and share with you my story, so here is the first look. I hope that my story and experiences can bring hope and help to you no matter what you are going through in your life.
Thanks for reading.

Dealing with Anxiety

Of recent, I have found myself back at square one with one hand on the wheel of a relationship and the other trying to dial 911. Now that is just a metaphor, making that clear before I move on. I haven't been one to really accept the fact that I have an anxiety disorder, and that its hard for me to deal with relationships in particular. I am very insecure and often second guess everything there is to do about having a boyfriend. I can't deal with the fact that I am not in control all the time of everything, and that I don't know what the other person is thinking and I can't schedule everything.

Truth is, I am not meant for relationships. I don't do them and as hard as it is for those who have fallen for me or love me, they have to realize I am so much better off in my life right now, without that type of stress. If you can't realize that and be the friend, the bigger person and accept I can't be in a relationship, than I am sorry. I am sorry for any guy who falls for me, because I am not worth it and most definitely more trouble than anything.

So here is to being single, and here is to knowing that I will have to deal with my relationships in the future with care, because I don't deal well because of my anxiety.

It's Never Too Late

I look back on my life, and ask myself, what have I accomplished?
Who has helped shape me in this life and how have I changed?
I don't like what I see, in fact I am disappointed in myself, because I pushed so many people away and left so many people out to hang dry. I wasn't a person that people look up to or someone they wanted to be a friend to, I was selfish and rude in so many ways. I wish I could get a second chance, but then I realize that today is my second chance, I just have to start being the person I truly am. People shape us, and those who really matter will stick with you no matter what your views and no matter what you decide to do in life.

I was a lonely child, and not many friends, and I chose to push so many people away because I didn't see myself as worthy to be around them, but I am not just a sheltered child,  I am an artist and a performer and I am a good person. I may have made more than a few mistakes in my life, and I may have gone down several paths I shouldn't have, but it's never too late to pick up the pieces and start again.

One mistake doesn't define you, and some friendships aren't meant to be, but the ones that are should be held on to. Don't lose someone because you didn't feel like answering their texts, don't forget about those who have stood by you through everything.
They are important, and so are you.

Feeling Fine

Fine. Does anyone know what that really means?
Freaked out, Insecure,Neurotic, and Emotional.
It is the definition of my life, I will never be good, or okay, or great. I will fake it, but I will always be fine. I learned years ago that the things that make you happy don't always work out. I struggle finding the light, and finding the happiness in situations. So I will pull on my big girl pants and put the lipstick on, but I will inside be broken and crying. All I wish for are comforting arms to wrap around me in a hug, to tell me it will be alright and I can let it go.
That will never be, because my walls are built up again, my eyes swollen shut- no more tears I swear.
I can be happy for them, and I can smile and laugh, but my true happiness will come when I finally let it all go and can live free with the person who helps me break down those chains.
So here is to feeling fine!
Let's celebrate that I have gotten this far and can still go on with out any one noticing the pain I am suffering through. I still hurt from my past, and it's left such deep scars that its gonna take a miracle to heal this.
Maybe I'll get lucky, you know you can only wish so much and then you realize dreams, wishes.. they are just a figment of your imagination. The day someone convinces me they are real, is the day I might just believe again.
So, world I will be fine. I am fine. That's what I'll say when they ask, and they will go on there way, little will they ever know!

There is No Looking Back

My piers have a saying, that you only live once. As much as that is true I don't agree with the actions that come along with that saying. People assume that when you say that you go do stupid shit that means nothing, but for me its not the same.
I will only live here with these people once, so why regret my decisions? Why sit here and think over the tedious things like should I kiss him, or should I leave him? No, I believe that if I feel something why not pursue it? There is nothing wrong in being happy, and enjoying what you have for the time you have it.
When you live this way, you don't waste time, and it seems like things progress faster than usual, but when you have that feeling, don't ignore it.
For example, I like a guy and I always have this thought to either kiss him or cuddle, so instead of sitting around waiting if the time is right, I won't be afraid to show my affection. If he says no, or doesn't want that then I don't take it personally I just know then that he doesn't want that.
Then I never live with the nagging feeling of what if..
So take life by the balls my friends, because its no fun hanging in the shadows.

Peace

Finding peace. One of life's hardest struggles. It's as if when we finally give up, the world throws all our guilt and pain back at us, reminding us of the terrible things we have done.
Peace. So many people find it easy to say, but don't be fooled by the religious advertisement. It's a lot harder than just accepting God.
Until now I have been kind careful about influencing any religious beliefs on anyone. I am not doing that here. I'm expressing what's happened to me in my life, so that you can learn from my history.
At the moment, among the hardest struggles of a college kid, I find it hard to touch base with peace. I know that it's the most important thing to do on my list though, because without peace your body and soul become entangled and lost in emotions you cannot decipher.
Yoga is most commonly looked upon as an exercise that can release tension so that you can find peace easier, but do not be fooled dear friends.
This matter, peace, is a lot harder to comprehend. If you have unfinished business or you are guilty or unhappy about something it is extremely hard for you to find the calm amongst the storm. First you need to figure out the problem that is keeping you restless,and address it.
Tonight, I found peace, granted I didn't find all of it, but I grasped on and I realized how only I can make a situation better in my perspective. Basically what I am saying is, its all in your control to find peace. You have to make the decision to be happy and calm and to deal with the matters that are distressing you.
I won't ever be completely satisfied unless I allow myself to be. I am not completely satisfied right now, but I am at peace with myself and the decisions I have made.
People, don't trick yourself into thinking that religion or some other tip will help give you peace, because only you can do that. So take the steps, to reconcile, to heal, to build up and to love. Only when you find what you love and allow yourself to be happy can you truly be at peace.

Going Home

Really your home is where your heart is, that is what they all say. Well it's true isn't it?
Not exactly. My heart doesn't exactly live in one place, but I know where my home is because I know where my heart is protected. I know where I have friends that will stand next to me, and fight every male or female who bothers me, they would spend all night worrying about my safety and health, and they would shower me with love.
Home is where I remember smiles, laughter and tears for no good reason. Home is the sound of pots and pans filling the sink and towel fights, cards against humanity nights, smash bros, and snuggles.
Home is with my family. It's not a conventional family, but its mine.
It's made up of Dad, Aunt, Sis, and Sis, Uncles and Brothers, and Him.
All of them.
Without one single person, it's not a family anymore, and we can always add to the family but you can't get rid of anyone of us, or we would just be a group of friends.
Each one of us has a role to play in each others lives, and without that person, we would be lost. At least speaking for myself, I can't go without my family.
Because I love them. I would die for them. Granted I don't know each and everyone perfectly well, and we have just started this family, but its grown on me, and they have the key to my happiness.
They know how to love me, and they know how to protect me. Without them I can't do it alone.
So fam, I am coming home, If you will have me, and I never want to lose you again. YOU mean the world to me.
Sincerely,
The girl, The once in awhile MOM, and the friend forever.