It's Never Too Late

I look back on my life, and ask myself, what have I accomplished?
Who has helped shape me in this life and how have I changed?
I don't like what I see, in fact I am disappointed in myself, because I pushed so many people away and left so many people out to hang dry. I wasn't a person that people look up to or someone they wanted to be a friend to, I was selfish and rude in so many ways. I wish I could get a second chance, but then I realize that today is my second chance, I just have to start being the person I truly am. People shape us, and those who really matter will stick with you no matter what your views and no matter what you decide to do in life.

I was a lonely child, and not many friends, and I chose to push so many people away because I didn't see myself as worthy to be around them, but I am not just a sheltered child,  I am an artist and a performer and I am a good person. I may have made more than a few mistakes in my life, and I may have gone down several paths I shouldn't have, but it's never too late to pick up the pieces and start again.

One mistake doesn't define you, and some friendships aren't meant to be, but the ones that are should be held on to. Don't lose someone because you didn't feel like answering their texts, don't forget about those who have stood by you through everything.
They are important, and so are you.

Feeling Fine

Fine. Does anyone know what that really means?
Freaked out, Insecure,Neurotic, and Emotional.
It is the definition of my life, I will never be good, or okay, or great. I will fake it, but I will always be fine. I learned years ago that the things that make you happy don't always work out. I struggle finding the light, and finding the happiness in situations. So I will pull on my big girl pants and put the lipstick on, but I will inside be broken and crying. All I wish for are comforting arms to wrap around me in a hug, to tell me it will be alright and I can let it go.
That will never be, because my walls are built up again, my eyes swollen shut- no more tears I swear.
I can be happy for them, and I can smile and laugh, but my true happiness will come when I finally let it all go and can live free with the person who helps me break down those chains.
So here is to feeling fine!
Let's celebrate that I have gotten this far and can still go on with out any one noticing the pain I am suffering through. I still hurt from my past, and it's left such deep scars that its gonna take a miracle to heal this.
Maybe I'll get lucky, you know you can only wish so much and then you realize dreams, wishes.. they are just a figment of your imagination. The day someone convinces me they are real, is the day I might just believe again.
So, world I will be fine. I am fine. That's what I'll say when they ask, and they will go on there way, little will they ever know!

There is No Looking Back

My piers have a saying, that you only live once. As much as that is true I don't agree with the actions that come along with that saying. People assume that when you say that you go do stupid shit that means nothing, but for me its not the same.
I will only live here with these people once, so why regret my decisions? Why sit here and think over the tedious things like should I kiss him, or should I leave him? No, I believe that if I feel something why not pursue it? There is nothing wrong in being happy, and enjoying what you have for the time you have it.
When you live this way, you don't waste time, and it seems like things progress faster than usual, but when you have that feeling, don't ignore it.
For example, I like a guy and I always have this thought to either kiss him or cuddle, so instead of sitting around waiting if the time is right, I won't be afraid to show my affection. If he says no, or doesn't want that then I don't take it personally I just know then that he doesn't want that.
Then I never live with the nagging feeling of what if..
So take life by the balls my friends, because its no fun hanging in the shadows.

Peace

Finding peace. One of life's hardest struggles. It's as if when we finally give up, the world throws all our guilt and pain back at us, reminding us of the terrible things we have done.
Peace. So many people find it easy to say, but don't be fooled by the religious advertisement. It's a lot harder than just accepting God.
Until now I have been kind careful about influencing any religious beliefs on anyone. I am not doing that here. I'm expressing what's happened to me in my life, so that you can learn from my history.
At the moment, among the hardest struggles of a college kid, I find it hard to touch base with peace. I know that it's the most important thing to do on my list though, because without peace your body and soul become entangled and lost in emotions you cannot decipher.
Yoga is most commonly looked upon as an exercise that can release tension so that you can find peace easier, but do not be fooled dear friends.
This matter, peace, is a lot harder to comprehend. If you have unfinished business or you are guilty or unhappy about something it is extremely hard for you to find the calm amongst the storm. First you need to figure out the problem that is keeping you restless,and address it.
Tonight, I found peace, granted I didn't find all of it, but I grasped on and I realized how only I can make a situation better in my perspective. Basically what I am saying is, its all in your control to find peace. You have to make the decision to be happy and calm and to deal with the matters that are distressing you.
I won't ever be completely satisfied unless I allow myself to be. I am not completely satisfied right now, but I am at peace with myself and the decisions I have made.
People, don't trick yourself into thinking that religion or some other tip will help give you peace, because only you can do that. So take the steps, to reconcile, to heal, to build up and to love. Only when you find what you love and allow yourself to be happy can you truly be at peace.

Going Home

Really your home is where your heart is, that is what they all say. Well it's true isn't it?
Not exactly. My heart doesn't exactly live in one place, but I know where my home is because I know where my heart is protected. I know where I have friends that will stand next to me, and fight every male or female who bothers me, they would spend all night worrying about my safety and health, and they would shower me with love.
Home is where I remember smiles, laughter and tears for no good reason. Home is the sound of pots and pans filling the sink and towel fights, cards against humanity nights, smash bros, and snuggles.
Home is with my family. It's not a conventional family, but its mine.
It's made up of Dad, Aunt, Sis, and Sis, Uncles and Brothers, and Him.
All of them.
Without one single person, it's not a family anymore, and we can always add to the family but you can't get rid of anyone of us, or we would just be a group of friends.
Each one of us has a role to play in each others lives, and without that person, we would be lost. At least speaking for myself, I can't go without my family.
Because I love them. I would die for them. Granted I don't know each and everyone perfectly well, and we have just started this family, but its grown on me, and they have the key to my happiness.
They know how to love me, and they know how to protect me. Without them I can't do it alone.
So fam, I am coming home, If you will have me, and I never want to lose you again. YOU mean the world to me.
Sincerely,
The girl, The once in awhile MOM, and the friend forever.

Pieces

I can see you staring

You wish and you wonder but you have no idea

My eyes cant close my heart is pounding

Its not long before its over

Its not long before I quit again

Running, its all I've ever known

But you stopped my heart reached out to me

Set me free

Let me be

Now look at me

It just ain't the same

Its just to hard the pain

But you never understood that

Didn't take that into consideration

No moderation

You kept going and I got lost

Cold and alone forever the cost

Don't take one more step towards me

I cant go on this way cause you tearing my heart into

Pieces

Drifting along the river

Just ripped apart

Like the cold breaking winter

So long my dear, there's only pieces left to part

God knows I'm trying

Crying

Broken on the stair case

I'm still seeing your eyes as we fight

There isn't nothin I wouldn't do to stop

But you keep on

Say we need

To go on

As if you had a plan

But really all along, you knew

It just wasnt gonna do

New Developements

So today started out normal, like any other day. I think today  more than ever I could not stop thinking about my boyfriend all day and I had a lot of other things on my mind concerning school, and my healthcare.
I got a call from my doctor and tomorrow I start on the medication for my heart. I am above being nervous, I am actually sorta panicking.
Life gets into a routine some days and when something jolts that around, it makes you stop and think about things. Well this heart condition has been a big bump in the road for a year now. I am nervous because of my background with pills, and depression and right now things are not stable enough for me to trust myself. I am not ready to begin a new life. I am stuck in my old ways, including my doubting and boy crazy self.
For example, my heart has been chained up for almost 3 full months now, and even before then I didn't let my guard down, but my current boyfriend makes me feel as if I should let my guard down so we can talk and connect. I agree, but I am also my old self who doubts every guy I am ever with. Recently I got advice from a friend that maybe I should take a step back and think about what I am getting into.
He is a great boyfriend but that's not the point.
First of all, I like this guy and I don't want to hurt him ever.
Second, He still needs time to figure out what he wants.
And third, I don't think he realizes how much I have not only become attached and how much I truly care.
I want whats best for him, and I would sacrifice being happy for that, but I know its gonna hurt, so I am still nervous.

I am super worried right now, because I really need a job and to concentrate on school, but I don't want to put him on the back burner. I need to get into a routine or I will be stressed to the max.
I think change is extremely hard to handle sometimes, but as I have learned recently- you have to go before your ready.