Frustrated. Damn right. No one saw this one coming. I took a sip and again I am down the drain, another one down and more on the way, not to mention the hate pouring from my heart.
I hope to wake up one day and feel like I can deserve some kind of praise. I need help. No body understands why I work so hard, because for me its not natural to do the things they do. I can't belt and I can't be perfect.
I am drowning in a world full of people who don't understand that what I am struggling through can't be fixed right away.
All I know to do is run, so I am gonna run far far away from all the thoughts and drowning, and i will eventually stop and find a place perfect for me, and maybe I will succeed at something. But for now I get to suffer through the pain and shit. Everything I know is a lie.
Why cant I just be normal or better at what I love?
Why did you curse me with this God?
I am not sure what I believe in anymore or who I should depend on, I know I have a good support group here and great friends, but I just can't handle this. I feel myself slipping back into depression and cutting and wanting to leave this place for ever. I will never make it in this world, I am a quitter. I don't believe in things lasting, because I have never succeeded. I want to stop the negativity but its too hard.
Suffering is just a passing by memory, one day I will go far and they will see that. I am sorry to go on like this, but I just needed to vent. Help me out, let me know what I can do.
Saturday, September 19, 2015
Monday, September 14, 2015
Lost in the Big Bad City
Chicago. Seattle. New York.
Danger around every corner, yet my home. I don't expect to get raped everyday or get robbed, but I know the dangers are still out there. What would I be if I let every little bad thing affect the way I live my life though? I will no doubt become lost several times in the city and probably one of these late nights I will find myself stranded with no phone or transportation. So let me make the best of what I do have and where I am.
So many people who live in the city lose touch with their humanity. I pass millions of people everyday who refuse to acknowledge that someone other than themselves exists. They plug in their devices and listen to whatever radio or music that isolates them from the nitty gritty. Look around you, behind you and beside you. There are thousands of people just waiting to connect, a smile, a handshake or maybe just a hello.
When did mankind find his phone more interesting than the woman who has lived 60 years of life and half of it on the streets? We need to open up our ears and eyes and live a little.
I challenge you to do something human, give each other a chance to feel connected and love each other.
Sometimes its really just a small hello.
Take the headphones out and experience the life, the hustle and the bustle of the city you live in. It's time to wake up America.
Danger around every corner, yet my home. I don't expect to get raped everyday or get robbed, but I know the dangers are still out there. What would I be if I let every little bad thing affect the way I live my life though? I will no doubt become lost several times in the city and probably one of these late nights I will find myself stranded with no phone or transportation. So let me make the best of what I do have and where I am.
So many people who live in the city lose touch with their humanity. I pass millions of people everyday who refuse to acknowledge that someone other than themselves exists. They plug in their devices and listen to whatever radio or music that isolates them from the nitty gritty. Look around you, behind you and beside you. There are thousands of people just waiting to connect, a smile, a handshake or maybe just a hello.
When did mankind find his phone more interesting than the woman who has lived 60 years of life and half of it on the streets? We need to open up our ears and eyes and live a little.
I challenge you to do something human, give each other a chance to feel connected and love each other.
Sometimes its really just a small hello.
Take the headphones out and experience the life, the hustle and the bustle of the city you live in. It's time to wake up America.
Let's Talk
Nobody wants to hear their partner say those four words "We need to talk". it is the worst feeling of doom in your life. One minute your relaxing and imagining you and your partner having dinner at a fancy hotel and the next your dreams are crushed. Eventually mankind will find a better way to communicate with each other but until then, here are a few words of advice when going blind into the gloomy situation.
Don't expect things to be destroyed yet you must prepare for the worst. Don't agonize over every little thing you think you could have done wrong, remember that we all have faults and maybe they just want a sincere talk. But who am I kidding? The one subject we all know to well is breaking up. It might happen, yes. I am not going to sit here and tell you that your better off, because what a hypocrite I would be. I fell myself teetering off the edge sometimes because I don't know what's running through his mind. But I am here to stand up for him and I and to fight for what I believe is right.
I look back on every time I told my partner(s) that we needed to talk. I was down right evil because I cut it off every time without giving it a second thought or letting them chime in on how they felt. I took advantage of the power situation and I hurt several people.
Maybe it's catching up to me, and maybe I will learn my lesson. My advice, you ask? Find the person who you care about so deeply that it will never cross your mind that you would break up when they say those infamous words. You are everything you make yourself to be.
Don't expect things to be destroyed yet you must prepare for the worst. Don't agonize over every little thing you think you could have done wrong, remember that we all have faults and maybe they just want a sincere talk. But who am I kidding? The one subject we all know to well is breaking up. It might happen, yes. I am not going to sit here and tell you that your better off, because what a hypocrite I would be. I fell myself teetering off the edge sometimes because I don't know what's running through his mind. But I am here to stand up for him and I and to fight for what I believe is right.
I look back on every time I told my partner(s) that we needed to talk. I was down right evil because I cut it off every time without giving it a second thought or letting them chime in on how they felt. I took advantage of the power situation and I hurt several people.
Maybe it's catching up to me, and maybe I will learn my lesson. My advice, you ask? Find the person who you care about so deeply that it will never cross your mind that you would break up when they say those infamous words. You are everything you make yourself to be.
Friday, September 11, 2015
Complications
My heart is stuck in a hard spot right now, because I have lost my last key to the walls I have built up.
I am not sure that I want to let go. I look at his eyes and I lose all control, there are so many things I want to tell him, and share with him, but I am not ready. I have built up all these lies and thoughts to deceive others until now. All I want to do is give up to him and let the truth pour out.
He is the most important thing to me in my life right now. I can't stop staring into his deep green eyes and imagine how would I make it in this life without him. Little does he know that I am messed up. I am scared and hurt to the point of breaking down every time I let those small little thoughts come into my mind. Life is complicated and when I am pressed to release my thoughts I panic.
Last night I ended up in the hospital due to my heart condition and I can't remember half the experience because all I wanted to do was talk to him the entire night. He has my heart in his hand and all he wants is for me to open up to him.
But i am confused by my past and lost because I have been through so much. How do I put my past behind me and let go of the lies that are holding me back? This is the question I have for you my love because I don't know what else to do.
I am not sure that I want to let go. I look at his eyes and I lose all control, there are so many things I want to tell him, and share with him, but I am not ready. I have built up all these lies and thoughts to deceive others until now. All I want to do is give up to him and let the truth pour out.
He is the most important thing to me in my life right now. I can't stop staring into his deep green eyes and imagine how would I make it in this life without him. Little does he know that I am messed up. I am scared and hurt to the point of breaking down every time I let those small little thoughts come into my mind. Life is complicated and when I am pressed to release my thoughts I panic.
Last night I ended up in the hospital due to my heart condition and I can't remember half the experience because all I wanted to do was talk to him the entire night. He has my heart in his hand and all he wants is for me to open up to him.
But i am confused by my past and lost because I have been through so much. How do I put my past behind me and let go of the lies that are holding me back? This is the question I have for you my love because I don't know what else to do.
Thursday, September 3, 2015
Roses and Their Thorns
There are always ups to every situation, and then there are the downs. If you live your life looking at the downs you live completely consumed by the thorns of life. I know many sayings point to count your blessings or look on the bright side, but that isn't what I'm stressing. I am saying don't make yourself miserable when you can make it better.
Sometimes your just stuck in a shitty position. It happens, and most people just stay stuck. Not every situation you can control but if you had the chance to wouldn't you want to?
When you finally reach the point of exhaustion you have no energy to help recuperate yourself. You have to take the time to step out of the situation and ask yourself, Is this a good thing for me to be involved with right now? I think as an example college comes to mind. I recently moved into college for my freshman year and I have quickly realized that I have to think about what each event and activity will lead to. Am I ready to stay up all night and get up early or should I take another look at this?
There are always options. When picking flowers you have many choices and if you choose to pick the ruby red rose remember that it comes with thorns.
Sometimes the tiniest daisy is the least noticed but the best in the end.
A good rule of thumb when you head out into the crazy jungle is to think of where you plan to be in 4 hours. What consequences would affect your plan, and how can you make the difficult situation turn into a great learning experience and fabulous time.
Right now I have to remind myself that even if I have an urge to do something, it may not be whats best for me. You have to look out for yourself first because there is one of you and many opportunities in life.
Complicated lives can be the best stories, so don't be fatigued and get frustrated, because there are people right here to pull you through. Most importantly don't forget about taking care of yourself.
Sometimes your just stuck in a shitty position. It happens, and most people just stay stuck. Not every situation you can control but if you had the chance to wouldn't you want to?
When you finally reach the point of exhaustion you have no energy to help recuperate yourself. You have to take the time to step out of the situation and ask yourself, Is this a good thing for me to be involved with right now? I think as an example college comes to mind. I recently moved into college for my freshman year and I have quickly realized that I have to think about what each event and activity will lead to. Am I ready to stay up all night and get up early or should I take another look at this?
There are always options. When picking flowers you have many choices and if you choose to pick the ruby red rose remember that it comes with thorns.
Sometimes the tiniest daisy is the least noticed but the best in the end.
A good rule of thumb when you head out into the crazy jungle is to think of where you plan to be in 4 hours. What consequences would affect your plan, and how can you make the difficult situation turn into a great learning experience and fabulous time.
Right now I have to remind myself that even if I have an urge to do something, it may not be whats best for me. You have to look out for yourself first because there is one of you and many opportunities in life.
Complicated lives can be the best stories, so don't be fatigued and get frustrated, because there are people right here to pull you through. Most importantly don't forget about taking care of yourself.
Sunday, August 30, 2015
A New Tide
Listen. Close your eyes and drift into the salty air. As the breeze settles and the salt remains in your weather worn clothes and hair, remember.
Fondly, I ponder on my past. Many times I had heartaches and sometimes laughter. I look down to my feet, where they stand between the rocky whitecaps of the sea and the safe glassy harbor. I know that I would be safe back there, but I also know that there are hidden dangers in the harbor that I have been caught sinking into. As I look towards the sun and sea I know that the path may not always be calm, but its my path and its time for a new tide to begin.
Today represents many new tides, One week being completely clean, and a new life ahead of me. I head off to the big city tomorrow and this little fish is ready to fly.
I face a world of troubles and toil, but who ever said growing up was easy?
Maybe I will trip a few times, but this life is meant to learn from our mistakes.
As I continue on with my journey I intend to learn lots and to grow even more, so keep your eyes out for me because I'm headed your way.
Fondly, I ponder on my past. Many times I had heartaches and sometimes laughter. I look down to my feet, where they stand between the rocky whitecaps of the sea and the safe glassy harbor. I know that I would be safe back there, but I also know that there are hidden dangers in the harbor that I have been caught sinking into. As I look towards the sun and sea I know that the path may not always be calm, but its my path and its time for a new tide to begin.
Today represents many new tides, One week being completely clean, and a new life ahead of me. I head off to the big city tomorrow and this little fish is ready to fly.
I face a world of troubles and toil, but who ever said growing up was easy?
Maybe I will trip a few times, but this life is meant to learn from our mistakes.
As I continue on with my journey I intend to learn lots and to grow even more, so keep your eyes out for me because I'm headed your way.
Monday, June 8, 2015
We Gain Some- And We Lose Some
When I think I have cried my very last tear, another river pours from these swollen eyes. I've always been aware that we all die, and that one day our dearest loved ones die as well. But no one is ever prepared for it to happen, and the worst part is when you know it might happen but you can't do anything but wait in grief. She doesn't know that i am already grieving, because she doesn't know that I have a full understanding of how bad things are. Some times its really just not fair. There isn't anything any of us can do. I feel completely useless, so I try to stay strong and spend the most time I can with her. She doesn't realize how important she is to me. I love her so much, and I would gladly replace all her pain and i would take this tumor for her if i could. I don't want to lose her, I can't lose her. she is everything to me. She knows all the right things to say, she picks me up when i am not strong enough and she made me be the woman i am today. I just want to help pick her up and be strong for her, but I am falling to pieces here. I keep it all in all day long and then it just won't stop overflowing all night long. I love her more than anything in this world. my family means so much to me no matter how messed up it is.
I can't let you go like this, not like this. You are a hero, big sis. You are the twinkle to my shining star in the sky. I just want to hug you forever.
I won't let anyone hurt you again if it means i could have all the time I want with you. I want forever with you! You wiped my tears, sweat and blood from every tortuous day and you inspired me to be the best I could be.
Forever and always, sis
- Love Your Lil' Sis
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