Let's Talk

Nobody wants to hear their partner say those four words "We need to talk". it is the worst feeling of doom in your life. One minute your relaxing and imagining you and your partner having dinner at a fancy hotel and the next your dreams are crushed. Eventually mankind will find a better way to communicate with each other but until then, here are a few words of advice when going blind into the gloomy situation.
Don't expect things to be destroyed yet you must prepare for the worst. Don't agonize over every little thing you think you could have done wrong, remember that we all have faults and maybe they just want a sincere talk. But who am I kidding? The one subject we all know to well is breaking up. It might happen, yes. I am not going to sit here and tell you that your better off, because what a hypocrite I would be. I fell myself teetering off the edge sometimes because I don't know what's running through his mind. But I am here to stand up for him and I and to fight for what I believe is right.
I look back on every time I told my partner(s) that  we needed to talk. I was down right evil because  I cut it off every time without giving it a second thought or letting them chime in on how they felt. I took advantage of the power situation and I hurt several people.

Maybe it's catching up to me, and maybe I will learn my lesson. My advice, you ask? Find the person who you care about so deeply that it will never cross your mind that you would break up when they say those infamous words. You are everything you make yourself to be.

Complications

My heart is stuck in a hard spot right now, because I have lost my last key to the walls I have built up.
I am not sure that I want to let go. I look at his eyes and I lose all control, there are so many things I want to tell him, and share with him, but I am not ready. I have built up all these lies and thoughts to deceive others until now. All I want to do is  give up to him and let the truth pour out.
He is the most important thing to me in my life right now. I can't stop staring into his deep green eyes and imagine how would I make it in this life without him. Little does he know that I am messed up. I am scared and hurt to the point of breaking down every time I let those small little thoughts come into my mind. Life is complicated and when I am pressed to release my thoughts I panic.
Last night I ended up in the hospital due to my heart condition and I can't remember half the experience because all I wanted to do was talk to him the entire night. He has my heart in his hand and all he wants is for me to open up to him.
But i am confused by my past and lost because I have been through so much. How do I put my past behind me and let go of the lies that are holding me back? This is the question I have for you my love because I don't know what else to do.

Roses and Their Thorns

There are always ups to every situation, and then there are the downs. If you live your life looking at the downs you live completely consumed by the thorns of life. I know many sayings point to count your blessings or look on the bright side, but that isn't what I'm stressing. I am saying don't make yourself miserable when you can make it better.
Sometimes your just stuck in a shitty position. It happens, and most people just stay stuck. Not every situation you can control but if you had the chance to wouldn't you want to?
When you finally reach the point of exhaustion you have no energy to help recuperate yourself. You have to take the time to step out of the situation and ask yourself, Is this a good thing for me to be involved with right now? I think as an example college comes to mind. I recently moved into college for my freshman year and I have quickly realized that I have to think about what each event and activity will lead to. Am I ready to stay up all night and get up early or should I take another look at this?
There are always options. When picking flowers you have many choices and if you choose to pick the ruby red rose remember that it comes with thorns.
Sometimes the tiniest daisy is the least noticed but the best in the end.
A good rule of thumb when you head out into the crazy jungle is to think of where you plan to be in 4 hours. What consequences would affect your plan, and how can you make the difficult situation turn into a great learning experience and fabulous time.
Right now I have to remind myself that even if I have an urge to do something, it may not be whats best for me. You have to look out for yourself first because there is one of you and many opportunities in life.
Complicated lives can be the best stories, so don't be fatigued and get frustrated, because there are people right here to pull you through. Most importantly don't forget about taking care of yourself.

A New Tide

Listen. Close your eyes and drift into the salty air. As the breeze settles and the salt remains in your weather worn clothes and hair, remember.
Fondly, I ponder on my past. Many times I had heartaches and sometimes laughter. I look down to my feet, where they stand between the rocky whitecaps of the sea and the safe glassy harbor. I know that I would be safe back there, but I also know that there are hidden dangers in the harbor that I have been caught sinking into. As I look towards the sun and sea I know that the path may not always be calm, but its my path and its time for a new tide to begin.
Today represents many new tides, One week being completely clean, and a new life ahead of me. I head off to the big city tomorrow and this little fish is ready to fly.
I face a world of troubles and toil, but who ever said growing up was easy?
Maybe I will trip a few times, but this life is meant to learn from our mistakes.
As I continue on with my journey I intend to learn lots and to grow even more, so keep your eyes out for me because I'm headed your way.

We Gain Some- And We Lose Some

When I think I have cried my very last tear, another river pours from these swollen eyes. I've always been aware that we all die, and that one day our dearest loved ones die as well. But no one is ever prepared for it to happen, and the worst part is when you know it might happen but you can't do anything but wait in grief. She doesn't know that i am already grieving, because she doesn't know that I have a full understanding of how bad things are. Some times its really just not fair. There isn't anything any of us can do. I feel completely useless, so I try to stay strong and spend the most time I can with her. She doesn't realize how important she is to me. I love her so much, and I would gladly replace all her pain and i would take this tumor for her if i could. I don't want to lose her, I can't lose her. she is everything to me. She  knows all the right things to say, she picks me up when i am not strong enough and she made me be the woman i am today. I just want to help pick her up and be strong for her, but I am falling to pieces here. I keep it all in all day long and then it just won't stop overflowing all night long. I love her more than anything in this world. my family means so much to me no matter how messed up it is.

I can't let you go like this, not like this. You are a hero, big sis. You are the twinkle to my shining star in the sky. I just want to hug you forever.

I won't let anyone hurt you again if it means i could have all the time I want with you. I want forever with you! You wiped my tears, sweat and blood from every tortuous day and you inspired me to be the best I could be. 

Forever and always, sis

- Love Your Lil' Sis

Confessions of Lost Child

Butterflies fly around my room and sparkles from the sunlight drift in as if it was a fairy tale. But it is one, always was. The day you wake up from childhood and step into adulthood is the worst day of your life. You can never go back, which means you spend the rest of your life desiring to be that little child again. The never ending dream of catching butterflies and frolicking in the sunshine, not caring how you look or having to impress anyone with your actions. Its really a sense of freedom.
One day I will die and be free of those tedious adult thoughts.
The closest I get to that Child inside me is when I dance. Drifting across the wood floor, slipping away into a sense of happiness that is short lived and simple. Feeling like you can fly across the floor in a flash of twirls and dips and steps. That couple seconds of feeling when you feel absolutely free. NO one can take it away from you. You close your eyes and get lost into the music. It's as if you stepped into a painting and all the colors wrap you up and move you around till you can not stop them anymore and you give in to the music. YOU run, and walk and jump. You do anything you want to do, because you can.
I want that forever. That's my reason for dying. That is the reason I can't wait to slip into a sleep I won't wake up from. So I can be eternally young. I can finally be free. No more pain, no more decisions and no more baggage. The only tears I will be shedding is those of pure happiness. Glistening like diamonds on my cheeks, they will be full of memories that I can let go of and be the little child I have always been.
Really we all are children we just get to a point where we cover it up with superficial characteristics, because we think that the word "childish" means something not worth our time, as if it has no importance. Ironic isn't it? Cause deep down inside we all know that the Child inside of us makes us who we are. It's the best part of us.

Relationship Trama

I suck at relationships, no I really really do. My current boyfriend said to my face that my best friend makes a better girlfriend than I do... I am over that being hurtful though. I have learned that when it comes to relationships its honestly best to not have one until you are ready. But when you do find that special someone here are a few tips you should keep in mind.
I know from experience that you have to give and take, not one person can lead a relationship.
You have to love openly and embrace any chance you get to show how much you care, because you really never know if you will get another chance or not. No one deserves to feel as if they are shunned for their outward looks or for their character. You shouldn't have to change who you are to be with someone. They should love you unconditionally for all your faults and all your baggage.
When you are in a relationship with someone, your baggage is theirs and their baggage is yours. You work as a team and you help pull each other out of the rough spots.
Most importantly you speak the truth, and not in a negative way. You are honest with them, and you don't gossip or go behind someone's back and tell all their friends lies. Don't exaggerate to them, and don't do it to yourself. Your worst enemy is yourself. Only you have control over how you process data and information.
For example, when I get overwhelmed with relationship problems, I blame them on people I shouldn't and I tend to get myself worked up a lot. These things are really not good for me since I have a tendency to think about suicidal thoughts when I get overly stressed. I am my worst enemy and I have to tell myself that all the time. I have to remind myself when no one else is there for me that I am gonna make it through and things will be better. Relationships are hard work, but at the same time they shouldn't always be like that. You shouldn't have to struggle every day to breathe, or to be communicating, so if that's what is happening take my advice and leave that person because if they don't make you a better person by being with them, than they aren't worth it.