My story- Just the beginning

August 3rd 2011.

I was having a normal day for a home schooled kid age fourteen, except that my home was anything but normal. Of course to me, it was just another day of dealing with my mother's anger, mood swings, and violent behavior. Let's just call it as it is- Abuse.

Don't get me wrong, I respect my mom a lot, she gave birth to me, cared for me, taught me, and brought me up with manners. But she had some downfalls like everyone does, just hers were worse and they affected me physically and mentally. She would throw objects at me and my siblings including furniture, dishes, and any valuable she could get her hands on. She would discipline us but not in a normal way, she was extreme and when I mean extreme I mean when she found a Juicy Fruit gum wrapper of mine she flipped out since she didn't allow gum that wasn't dental gum, so she got four packs of gum and made me chew a golf ball sized piece of gum until my jaw hurt for days. I learned my lesson, but still disciplining your child until they hurt physically doesn't make sense does it?

Some days I would get up to 4 or 5 spankings as a child, all the way till I was 14 years old when I left. She would break wooden spoons by how hard she hit, and would use the skinny switches from the apple tree in our back yard- which drew blood almost every time. Now that's just a glimpse of the physical abuse, and emotionally she was even worse.
Every time you would stand up for yourself or try to talk to her at all, she would turn every word against you and blame you for everything. She would say something along the lines of, " So I guess I am the big ugly witch in your life because you did something you weren't suppose to do and I am enforcing the rules here!" and her most famous quote, "It's just shut up and put up for me!" when we would try to stand up for ourselves. Basically she acted like a child throwing a fit and if we didn't grovel and ask for forgiveness and repent our "terrible" sins than we were looked on as a child who would burn in hell and treated as such.

Fourteen years of abuse, and I still to this day hate calling it that because she still has a spell on me, as if she controls me. But after every sibling had left and broken contact with my parents, I was alone and fully to blame for all my siblings downfalls including mine as well. Not to mention her anger against my dad was also another reason to take it out on me, as I was with her 24/7 in a house and I wasn't often allowed to leave unless she knew exactly where I was going and for how long and only on her terms. So I finally left after being dragged by my hair, cursed out and beaten. I took a stand and left - walking in barefoot on the hot pavement for quite awhile before I got to the nearest church.
It took every ounce of courage to knock on the door and ask for a ride to my brother's house. But somehow I did, and when I had gotten there I took the first step out of the car and I wish I could say I didn't look back- but I did. And over the next 5 years it would get me into some of the worst situations I could imagine.

I want to redefine this blog by starting to post about my experiences and share with you my story, so here is the first look. I hope that my story and experiences can bring hope and help to you no matter what you are going through in your life.
Thanks for reading.

Dealing with Anxiety

Of recent, I have found myself back at square one with one hand on the wheel of a relationship and the other trying to dial 911. Now that is just a metaphor, making that clear before I move on. I haven't been one to really accept the fact that I have an anxiety disorder, and that its hard for me to deal with relationships in particular. I am very insecure and often second guess everything there is to do about having a boyfriend. I can't deal with the fact that I am not in control all the time of everything, and that I don't know what the other person is thinking and I can't schedule everything.

Truth is, I am not meant for relationships. I don't do them and as hard as it is for those who have fallen for me or love me, they have to realize I am so much better off in my life right now, without that type of stress. If you can't realize that and be the friend, the bigger person and accept I can't be in a relationship, than I am sorry. I am sorry for any guy who falls for me, because I am not worth it and most definitely more trouble than anything.

So here is to being single, and here is to knowing that I will have to deal with my relationships in the future with care, because I don't deal well because of my anxiety.