Its like I am stuck in this roller coaster cycle... its an endless pattern.
Does anyone else see that in their life? When do we step out of it and change the cycle?
We could educate ourselves and watch ourselves do it over and over again but what does it help? Medication, meditation and all those methods don't just work automatically and no I am not saying there is a quick fix, but isn't there an easier way?
I find myself contemplating all the time whether to send that text or not, and its what holds me back from moving on completely, and I watch so many people go through a healing cycle and they move on, but for me its like a little piece of me is with every single one of them keeping me from healing ever again. There has to be a way to break that connection. I even try cutting off contact completely and that still doesn't work...
I just want to find that spark again, and I want to move on and start my life a new without being held back.
Any suggestions?
Thursday, December 29, 2016
Thursday, November 24, 2016
Being Honest-This Thanksgiving
I have to be honest with you, and with myself. This person you see in front of you that is smiling and going about her life, is just a cloak for the real me. When I love, I love hard. I fall so hard that I break before someone can catch me. I've lost a lot of friends and a lot of people I have loved.
I seem to always end up pushing away every person and thing that is good for me. I always choose the hard way, and i end up paying the consequences for it. You'd think that by now I would see the cycle and break it. But instead I did see the cycle, and I chose to make it even worse, by involving drugs and alcohol. I am convinced there is something wrong with my wiring... cause this seriously sucks- knowing full well what your doing isn't what you want, but somehow your body and mind wont let you stop yourself. Its called addiction- its a REAL BITCH.
Stay away from drugs kids.
Anyway going on. I have been dealing with a lot of grief recently- basically most of my life because it never ceases to amaze me how many people I have lost. How many I have destroyed, their hearts and their trust. Don't listen to that voice that says you don't make an impact because trust me you do.
You make a HUGE impact. On every person you pass, whether you are acquaintances or more with them. Even a simple smile at a stranger is an impact.
You know a lot of people call me a quitter. I don't believe them, because I've never quit on one thing- my belief that I can feel whole and complete without love. I like to take the hard road because it teaches you reality, it teaches you life lessons. That's how you gain wisdom. That's where you get clarity when you get stuck in a tricky situation.
I learned, sticking with someone or something that shuts your emotions up is not healthy. I learned the truth about frienship- about love,about whether you mean something.
So many people think that they will never make something of themselves or succeed at life, just cause they didn't achieve this one thing they wanted. But that's wrong, because I might not have been a Broadway acctress or famous or been a top model, but I did succeed. I succeeded at loving many, bringing others together, walking long journeys and gaining strength. Personal success is more important than what anyone else wants for you.
Today, this Thanksgiving, I am thankful for a full life, so many memories, and the time I had here to impact others. I encourage you to chose to impact those around you with beneficial moments, and memories while you still have the time, because time is a precious thing and not to be wasted.
We might never have met, or we may have been close long friends, either way I hope that when you read this, you smile and you feel a warmth in your heart- because that's me right there with you telling you how important you are, and what a HUGE impact you are on so many, including me.
I seem to always end up pushing away every person and thing that is good for me. I always choose the hard way, and i end up paying the consequences for it. You'd think that by now I would see the cycle and break it. But instead I did see the cycle, and I chose to make it even worse, by involving drugs and alcohol. I am convinced there is something wrong with my wiring... cause this seriously sucks- knowing full well what your doing isn't what you want, but somehow your body and mind wont let you stop yourself. Its called addiction- its a REAL BITCH.
Stay away from drugs kids.
Anyway going on. I have been dealing with a lot of grief recently- basically most of my life because it never ceases to amaze me how many people I have lost. How many I have destroyed, their hearts and their trust. Don't listen to that voice that says you don't make an impact because trust me you do.
You make a HUGE impact. On every person you pass, whether you are acquaintances or more with them. Even a simple smile at a stranger is an impact.
You know a lot of people call me a quitter. I don't believe them, because I've never quit on one thing- my belief that I can feel whole and complete without love. I like to take the hard road because it teaches you reality, it teaches you life lessons. That's how you gain wisdom. That's where you get clarity when you get stuck in a tricky situation.
I learned, sticking with someone or something that shuts your emotions up is not healthy. I learned the truth about frienship- about love,about whether you mean something.
So many people think that they will never make something of themselves or succeed at life, just cause they didn't achieve this one thing they wanted. But that's wrong, because I might not have been a Broadway acctress or famous or been a top model, but I did succeed. I succeeded at loving many, bringing others together, walking long journeys and gaining strength. Personal success is more important than what anyone else wants for you.
Today, this Thanksgiving, I am thankful for a full life, so many memories, and the time I had here to impact others. I encourage you to chose to impact those around you with beneficial moments, and memories while you still have the time, because time is a precious thing and not to be wasted.
We might never have met, or we may have been close long friends, either way I hope that when you read this, you smile and you feel a warmth in your heart- because that's me right there with you telling you how important you are, and what a HUGE impact you are on so many, including me.
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
Leaving For Home
Leaving for home was a tough decision overall. I have just finished my freshman year of college and when I heard that financially I wouldn't be able to afford school next year I realized that being home this summer would be my best bet at getting ahead of my debt.
But then my mind was clouded at the time, thinking that Spokane and my family is my home, and its not. Sadly I was mistaken. My home is where I belong and don't feel judged and pushed down everyday, and that's with my new family and friends in Chicago.
I hate change and I think most of us do, and its extremely hard to embrace, but I realized tonight that if we don't fully embrace change then we wont be living, we will just be staying in the shadows of our real life.
It is time to leave for good, and in one week I will be saying goodbye for more than just a few months to my dear hometown as a kid- Spokane.
I will be saying goodbye to my past mistakes and hello to my future and my new home in Chicago. I can't wait to embrace the change and the new memories I will make and the fun times I will have.
I will be back one day, but right now its time to push off to a new life, and to a new home. Its time to start again and to figure out what my life holds for me.
I will let you know as I continue how it goes!
But then my mind was clouded at the time, thinking that Spokane and my family is my home, and its not. Sadly I was mistaken. My home is where I belong and don't feel judged and pushed down everyday, and that's with my new family and friends in Chicago.
I hate change and I think most of us do, and its extremely hard to embrace, but I realized tonight that if we don't fully embrace change then we wont be living, we will just be staying in the shadows of our real life.
It is time to leave for good, and in one week I will be saying goodbye for more than just a few months to my dear hometown as a kid- Spokane.
I will be saying goodbye to my past mistakes and hello to my future and my new home in Chicago. I can't wait to embrace the change and the new memories I will make and the fun times I will have.
I will be back one day, but right now its time to push off to a new life, and to a new home. Its time to start again and to figure out what my life holds for me.
I will let you know as I continue how it goes!
Wednesday, April 27, 2016
My story- Just the beginning
August 3rd 2011.
I was having a normal day for a home schooled kid age fourteen, except that my home was anything but normal. Of course to me, it was just another day of dealing with my mother's anger, mood swings, and violent behavior. Let's just call it as it is- Abuse.
Don't get me wrong, I respect my mom a lot, she gave birth to me, cared for me, taught me, and brought me up with manners. But she had some downfalls like everyone does, just hers were worse and they affected me physically and mentally. She would throw objects at me and my siblings including furniture, dishes, and any valuable she could get her hands on. She would discipline us but not in a normal way, she was extreme and when I mean extreme I mean when she found a Juicy Fruit gum wrapper of mine she flipped out since she didn't allow gum that wasn't dental gum, so she got four packs of gum and made me chew a golf ball sized piece of gum until my jaw hurt for days. I learned my lesson, but still disciplining your child until they hurt physically doesn't make sense does it?
Some days I would get up to 4 or 5 spankings as a child, all the way till I was 14 years old when I left. She would break wooden spoons by how hard she hit, and would use the skinny switches from the apple tree in our back yard- which drew blood almost every time. Now that's just a glimpse of the physical abuse, and emotionally she was even worse.
Every time you would stand up for yourself or try to talk to her at all, she would turn every word against you and blame you for everything. She would say something along the lines of, " So I guess I am the big ugly witch in your life because you did something you weren't suppose to do and I am enforcing the rules here!" and her most famous quote, "It's just shut up and put up for me!" when we would try to stand up for ourselves. Basically she acted like a child throwing a fit and if we didn't grovel and ask for forgiveness and repent our "terrible" sins than we were looked on as a child who would burn in hell and treated as such.
Fourteen years of abuse, and I still to this day hate calling it that because she still has a spell on me, as if she controls me. But after every sibling had left and broken contact with my parents, I was alone and fully to blame for all my siblings downfalls including mine as well. Not to mention her anger against my dad was also another reason to take it out on me, as I was with her 24/7 in a house and I wasn't often allowed to leave unless she knew exactly where I was going and for how long and only on her terms. So I finally left after being dragged by my hair, cursed out and beaten. I took a stand and left - walking in barefoot on the hot pavement for quite awhile before I got to the nearest church.
It took every ounce of courage to knock on the door and ask for a ride to my brother's house. But somehow I did, and when I had gotten there I took the first step out of the car and I wish I could say I didn't look back- but I did. And over the next 5 years it would get me into some of the worst situations I could imagine.
I want to redefine this blog by starting to post about my experiences and share with you my story, so here is the first look. I hope that my story and experiences can bring hope and help to you no matter what you are going through in your life.
Thanks for reading.
I was having a normal day for a home schooled kid age fourteen, except that my home was anything but normal. Of course to me, it was just another day of dealing with my mother's anger, mood swings, and violent behavior. Let's just call it as it is- Abuse.
Don't get me wrong, I respect my mom a lot, she gave birth to me, cared for me, taught me, and brought me up with manners. But she had some downfalls like everyone does, just hers were worse and they affected me physically and mentally. She would throw objects at me and my siblings including furniture, dishes, and any valuable she could get her hands on. She would discipline us but not in a normal way, she was extreme and when I mean extreme I mean when she found a Juicy Fruit gum wrapper of mine she flipped out since she didn't allow gum that wasn't dental gum, so she got four packs of gum and made me chew a golf ball sized piece of gum until my jaw hurt for days. I learned my lesson, but still disciplining your child until they hurt physically doesn't make sense does it?
Some days I would get up to 4 or 5 spankings as a child, all the way till I was 14 years old when I left. She would break wooden spoons by how hard she hit, and would use the skinny switches from the apple tree in our back yard- which drew blood almost every time. Now that's just a glimpse of the physical abuse, and emotionally she was even worse.
Every time you would stand up for yourself or try to talk to her at all, she would turn every word against you and blame you for everything. She would say something along the lines of, " So I guess I am the big ugly witch in your life because you did something you weren't suppose to do and I am enforcing the rules here!" and her most famous quote, "It's just shut up and put up for me!" when we would try to stand up for ourselves. Basically she acted like a child throwing a fit and if we didn't grovel and ask for forgiveness and repent our "terrible" sins than we were looked on as a child who would burn in hell and treated as such.
Fourteen years of abuse, and I still to this day hate calling it that because she still has a spell on me, as if she controls me. But after every sibling had left and broken contact with my parents, I was alone and fully to blame for all my siblings downfalls including mine as well. Not to mention her anger against my dad was also another reason to take it out on me, as I was with her 24/7 in a house and I wasn't often allowed to leave unless she knew exactly where I was going and for how long and only on her terms. So I finally left after being dragged by my hair, cursed out and beaten. I took a stand and left - walking in barefoot on the hot pavement for quite awhile before I got to the nearest church.
It took every ounce of courage to knock on the door and ask for a ride to my brother's house. But somehow I did, and when I had gotten there I took the first step out of the car and I wish I could say I didn't look back- but I did. And over the next 5 years it would get me into some of the worst situations I could imagine.
I want to redefine this blog by starting to post about my experiences and share with you my story, so here is the first look. I hope that my story and experiences can bring hope and help to you no matter what you are going through in your life.
Thanks for reading.
Thursday, April 14, 2016
Dealing with Anxiety
Of recent, I have found myself back at square one with one hand on the wheel of a relationship and the other trying to dial 911. Now that is just a metaphor, making that clear before I move on. I haven't been one to really accept the fact that I have an anxiety disorder, and that its hard for me to deal with relationships in particular. I am very insecure and often second guess everything there is to do about having a boyfriend. I can't deal with the fact that I am not in control all the time of everything, and that I don't know what the other person is thinking and I can't schedule everything.
Truth is, I am not meant for relationships. I don't do them and as hard as it is for those who have fallen for me or love me, they have to realize I am so much better off in my life right now, without that type of stress. If you can't realize that and be the friend, the bigger person and accept I can't be in a relationship, than I am sorry. I am sorry for any guy who falls for me, because I am not worth it and most definitely more trouble than anything.
So here is to being single, and here is to knowing that I will have to deal with my relationships in the future with care, because I don't deal well because of my anxiety.
Truth is, I am not meant for relationships. I don't do them and as hard as it is for those who have fallen for me or love me, they have to realize I am so much better off in my life right now, without that type of stress. If you can't realize that and be the friend, the bigger person and accept I can't be in a relationship, than I am sorry. I am sorry for any guy who falls for me, because I am not worth it and most definitely more trouble than anything.
So here is to being single, and here is to knowing that I will have to deal with my relationships in the future with care, because I don't deal well because of my anxiety.
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