Plastic

It's time to put on another face, to get up and smile that "genuine" smile that everyone will think is real, or at least won't question. It's time to pick up the pieces of your broken life and to step into the sunshine, and tell yourself that it will be a good day. It's time to put on the plastic covering of you and live the day like you always do. I know like everyone else that the true you is in there, crying your heart out and dying inside because you can't face them. You can't get up and look them in the eyes and say you're fine without a plastic covering, cause the truth is you're not fine. You are worse than you have ever been, but they can't take the truth. They just make it worse.
So go on, put the plastic on and roll your shoulders back and breath in a good breathe.
Here is a good hint too, tell yourself everyday, you are loved and you are a good person. Then cover up those lies and convince yourself that if you told them the truth you would hurt even more.
Let me explain the reason behind the symbol of the plastic. You are sitting there and you for some reason have this ache in your chest, and your head is filled with a thousand voices or thoughts. Just remember that you are going through something that doesn't just heal right away. YOU must know that this is not an illness or sickness, rather it is a phase, just like the next one where all you will want to do is hurt someone to take the pain away, and the phase where you just want to cry forever, curling in a ball to forget the worries.
You must understand that there are people who know whats going on, but you have to tell yourself that only a few really care in the way that will help, so rather than load your crap or burdens on them, either slowly let them go, or cover up till they fade away.

I sit in my bathtub with the hot water pouring down on my head. The heat is so much that it distracts my body from the inside pain. I take a few pills to cause numbness so that the heat doesn't hurt as bad. I turn the lights off so I don't have to look at the blood, or the scars. I release my burdens, and give way to my inner self for a few seconds of relief. Then I stand once again and wipe away the blood, sweat and tears. I get out and go on with my daily routines. I turn the voices off in my head that tell me, its not okay, and I reach down and put on my plastic face. It's easier that way.

Friends with Benefits

I know what your thinking. How on earth could I be a part of something like friends with benefits. Well a year ago I would have said the same thing. Trouble is, I'm not even sure if that's what is happening and I am just as confused as any teenage girl when there are boys involved.
Out of all the people I know he should know better than to mess with my heart like this. Yet here he is doing that exact thing. Girls, let me give you a little advice. Take it from someone who has been in a few terrible situations and doesn't know what to do about it.
You always get told that guys only have one thing on their mind. Well, I always just pushed those comments aside, but now that I have experienced so much, I can say to you. IT's true. Every word they say about how they just want sex and have only one thing on their mind. Please make good decisions and protect your heart and feelings, because all they will do is pull you in and then toy with your emotions to get you to give them what they want.
Right now my best friend has done what he has done with all the girls he gets with. He has said all the right things, but he hasn't put a label on it and hasn't respected me, but instead he goes around saying we are "doing it" and I have a hold on him, when really it's the opposite.
They all lie, and its hard. So girls, listen to one with too many scars to count. Build those walls high around your heart, and don't let him in. Don't let him lie to you with his pretty words, his flirts, and his looks. When it comes down to what counts, you don't want to be the one standing in an empty room with tears down your cheeks because he didn't mean any of it.
Get out of the poor decisions you know you will make before they happen. Make the choice not to accept the invite to the party, or to "hang " with him.
It will be better for you in the long run, Trust me.

Inside coming Out

I've listened to so many people tell me over and over again, history repeats itself. And then I also hear people tell me, you need to move on. The problem is, I feel trapped. As if everything is tumbling down on top of me. And its not as if I have an overwhelming life, sure I am not normal but really is anyone? I think my past mistakes have bogged me down to the point where I can't trust completely. I fail to move on, and every time I get close, I find myself saying its not possible to be happy.

That is such a lie. You don't have to believe that it will get better, in fact you don't have to trust at all that things will change. You just have to address the inside thoughts, and let them come out. If you don't do that part you can never fully say to yourself, I can do this. The first step to getting rid of all your baggage is acknowledging you have it, and letting it come out. I know from experience its not good to let things stay inside for a long time.

I have loved a lot of people, and no I am not talking about dating. I mean love. I have been through trails of agonizing pain and usually I come out of the mess, quiet and alone. I bottle all my feelings up and I cry to myself when no one looks. But when it gets to the point where I can't keep it in I explode. So let it out. Its a really good thing to yell, to cry or to show your emotions and get all that pain out. Some people react different than others, but its always good to try. Find that one friend that will stick by you even if you yell your heart out at them.

For me its my sister, she lets me vent, repeatedly. She knows that my emotions can make me stupid and say awful things so she lets it go and then when I have recovered she gives gentle sympathy and advice, mostly saying she supports me.

I wish I had done more to let it out. I look back and I haven't really lived. I have made countless excuses to get out of things, I have shut myself off from people and I seclude myself out of events. I cherish the small memories I have. If it weren't for my very persuasive sisters and friends, I would melt away without any memories of fun times. I don't want to make the same mistakes but I still get scared/ I sit here thinking I wish I could be free from the burden of these walls. I built these walls around me to keep safe, but they also keep people out. Let it out, change your decision to stay home and go out instead. Because staying in those walls won't allow you to live and it won't build friendships or memories. Love, and live. My motto for you all, Live every day to the fullest, cause who knows what the day will bring. Forget about yesterday, live in the moment and don't wish for tomorrow.