The end of a chapter. The closing of an era. 

It's crazy to think that it has been several years since I have touched this platform. I almost dread just reading some of my old posts. I believe in learning from the past tho, which is why I am keeping them up, to remind myself that it's all about growth. 

Let's talk about that for a second. A year ago I was homeless, lost, unemployed, and thought I was dying. To be honest, I always have thought I was dying. Truth is.. I am. 

We all are dying, everyday. But what are we doing? Why are we living? Have you ever struggled to see the light at the end of the tunnel, because I know I have. But there is always hope. It's only as strong as your determination and will is. 

Which is why I changed my life to be the main character. Thanks Scofield for that advice.

I'm now successful, living my dream, traveling the world and hopefully continuing to grow.

It's the stepping stones in life that make a journey, and they aren't always easy to travel on. So wear your best shoes for hiking, cause the climb never stops and the path goes on, even after this life. Live. Breathe. Experience. When it's over, it's over and why wait?

this new year is a chance to push forward, don't catch yourself up in the trap that society says about starting over, just keep going. 

Sincerely and Till next Time

Your fellow Hiker

Breaking Hearts

Last night you broke my heart. You tore every piece of me apart and threw it to the curb like a sack of trash, as if the last 13 months meant nothing to you. It's true what they say about love, when its amazing, its fucking amazing and when its bad, you feel like you are standing on the edge of a precipice just waiting for the slightest breeze to knock you off and send you tumbling down into the abyss. You will never see these eyes the same way, you will never feel the gut wrenching pain that stabbed at me as I took each step out of your house to my car last night.
The world lies to us when they say to get up and move on. They lie when they say that heartbreak will help you and guide you. The people who are beside you telling you that you are better off... they lie too. Because if they knew what I knew then they wouldn't have words to even try and fathom the daggers you've lodged in me. God knows I am trying to let you have your space, to let you be, so that you can have whats best for you, because as someone who actually loves you and knows the true definition of that word, I am willing to sacrifice my happiness and endure any pain for you.
My worst fear is not seeing you tomorrow or the next week, my worst fear is not seeing you ever again. My worst fear is waking up to the news that you didn't think your life was worth it. As someone who has lived that life with you, it is worth it. You are always worth it.
You are right about one thing, we had our struggles. We both lied, we both hurt each other, and we fought a lot. But you say it like it was the majority of our memories, but that's only because you refuse to let the bad ones fall away and focus on the good.
Remember the time that I ate an entire pizza and then half of yours? Remember when I would stop by and have lunch with you at work? Remember the time we drove for hours and sang to every tune we turned on? Well, you might not remember but I do.
I remember the time I first said I love you. I remember our first argument, I remember you coming clean to me, and I remember every word from last night.
That's the last thing I will remember about you. You mean the world to me, but I have to let you go, because you don't want this anymore. Time is a precious thing, please don't waste it thinking of me, instead use your time to go do what you are passionate about. I know you are gonna make it big, and I know you have the potential to climb as high as you want. So don't let me or our memories hold you back, because I love you, and all I want is for you to be happy and healthy.

The One

Well.. I never thought in my entire life that I would be saying this, but I think I have met the man of my dreams- well not exactly. He is however the one, the only one I want to spend the rest of my life with.
He isn't the richest, he isn't the wittiest, he isn't the most romantic, and no he doesn't have a six pack.
But he is perfect in every way possible. I realized I don't need any of those things in order to have love. Yes, you heard me right, I said love. I don't normally believe in stuff like that.. hell I don't believe in it. But there is something there, and for lack of words lets just call it Love.

Our story isn't fascinating in any way. We didn't meet in the most corny or romantic way, in fact we thought nothing of each other when we met, only that we were friends and as we continued to spend time together we grew to be even closer friends.
He is so strong, although he doesn't want to admit it. I don't believe him for a minute. He has stronger and taller walls than anyone, but for some reason he trusts me with his deepest,  and darkest fears and secrets. He tells me things he has never told anyone else.
He communicates and he makes me feel wanted, and special.

Now you're probably bored to death of this story by now, but just wait. For years now I have been hurt more and more by boys, and every time my walls get bigger and bigger. I don't trust and I certainly don't love. One thing I know for sure is to not put all my eggs in one basket, yet every day I keep putting more and more eggs in the basket till I woke up this morning at 3 am to the man of my dreams snoring loudly by my head.
HE really snores badly lol.
I couldn't look away, I was mesmerized. I kept telling myself in my head that I couldn't fall for him and that I need to protect myself, and as I continued this argument in my head I suddenly realized I was saying how lucky I was to have him and how I can't wait to be with him forever and yes, many years down the road have children with him.
I love him , and we aren't even dating.
Which brings me to my dilemma. I jumped the gun on sleeping with him before we even have talked about dating and now I am in love with him and I can't even tell him, I can't even call him my boyfriend, and for all I know he is banging 4 other girls just like me. Yet somehow I can't seem to think of him like that, I can only think of him as the most handsome man in the world sleeping next to me this morning.
So my question to you world, what now? Do I pretend to go on as if my feelings were nothing or do I let him know that I think he is the one? Let me know in the comments below.

Fuck Love

Now its no news that I haven't found the right one yet.. but honestly I don't think I ever will and I'm not sure I want to.
FUCK LOVE. We actually can live without it, and boy would it be nice. Just imagine a world without the complications of relationships and dating and even hooking up? What if we all just said Fuck you and did our own thing? NO emotions, no strings and no hurt feelings. Sounds like a dream right?
What if I told you it could be real?
I am completely serious when I say I went on a love bender for 7 months and I survived.. no I THRIVED!!! It was as if I was on a super drug. I had the best memories, founded the best friendships and had no strings attached for all 7 months. I finally had freedom.
Now I am not one of those super independent girls who only wants her freedom, I love guys and up till now I was totally a romantic, just read my other shit, but what I figured out during these last 7 months is that I didn't need a man to make me happy.
Often social media and society makes us feel as if we are inferior if we don't attach ourselves to a man. This is soooooo wrong! Women everywhere are emotionally burdened with this idea that they can't make themselves happy and have all they ant without marrying or hooking up or getting hitched to a guy or gal.. your preference. Take it from an expert in the romance field, when I switched the "love" switch off it was as if my life flipped for the good. I had way less stress, I could be me, like really be me. No one to check in on and no one to burden down my plans. I was always in control.
Now I know your thinking ok, but what about the pleasure factor?
You don't need it from another.. that's what technology is for! We have so many sex toys in this world I'm pretty sure you can get away with out having sex for the rest of your life. Besides then you don't have to worry about getting pregnant!! It's seriously a win win. Don't diss it till you try it!
So join me folks in my new campaign- FUCK LOVE!!!

New Start

Not all of us get the chance to be able to basically start our lives over again and change our lifestyle so that we can benefit more from it. For example those of us who have suffered from depression, or suicidal tendencies, or drug abuse and alcoholism don't often get to pick up , move away and start fresh as if nothing happened. I am one of the lucky ones that was offered a second chance. and you can have one too.
Now before I get started let me be clear, I am not here to preach to you or make you believe in something and guilt you into is because its the only way. I am sharing my experience and you have every right to agree or disagree, as long as you fully understand acknowledge that there are other views out there other than yours that may have good points.
So to get started let me give you some background information, I was raised in a very conservative and religious family that eventually broke apart due to physical and emotional abuse. I still believe in God and He has always been a constant in my life even when I have strayed so far from His path that I feel like my life has no meaning.
When I was 14 I left home to go live with my other family members to protect myself from any further abuse and for so long I struggled with many issues regarding that decision, even still to this day, but that is for another time and place. Growing up in that household as a teenager I became exposed to a liberal and less religious view than before which caused a lot of inner fighting on what view was right and wrong.
Fast forward 6 years and I have been in college for a year and a half, I am an alcoholic, depressed, substance abuser, sexually abused, and stressed out by the amount of work load I put on myself because I was trying to distract myself from everything that was going on in my life. Never would I have guessed as a 14 year old that I would one day get to the point of such depression and loneliness that I would try to commit suicide by drug overdose. Neither did I know that it would impact my life in such a severe way. For example, I will never be able to be in the military, have a government job, pass a mental or psychological test- which in today's day and age is significant for a lot of reasons. Yet still there I was at the lowest point in my life and all I could think to do was reach out for help and pray to God that I would be rescued. And low and behold I was.
That's where my real story happens. I got a second chance. I was given the opportunity to pickup and leave everything behind and start over. I was provided for by family, friends, strangers and then God out of it all showed His grace towards me. I started walking in His path again and somehow all those things I had always worried about, financial issues, transportation, living situation, social interaction, job, and others, He provided.
I'm not saying I sat around and did nothing- it took a lot of work on my behalf and others to get here, but I wouldn't have had the opportunities to start over or the resources given to me if GOD hadn't opened those doors.
So perhaps you are struggling and starting to see yourself wavering and falling towards a cliff, just reach out because you would be surprised  at how much God wants you to be apart of His eternal family.

STUCK IN THE PAST

Its like I am stuck in this roller coaster cycle... its an endless pattern.
Does anyone else see that in their life? When do we step out of it and change the cycle?
We could educate ourselves and watch ourselves do it over and over again but what does it help? Medication, meditation and all those methods don't just work automatically and no I am not saying there is a quick fix, but isn't there an easier way?

I find myself contemplating all the time whether to send that text or not, and its what holds me back from moving on completely, and I watch so many people go through a healing cycle and they move on, but for me its like a little piece of me is with every single one of them keeping me from healing ever again. There has to be a way to break that connection. I even try cutting off contact completely and that still doesn't work...

I just want to find that spark again, and I want to move on and start my life a new without being held back.

Any suggestions?

Being Honest-This Thanksgiving

I have to be honest with you, and with myself. This person you see in front of you that is smiling and going about her life, is just a cloak for the real me. When I love, I love hard. I fall so hard that I break before someone can catch me. I've lost a lot of friends and a lot of people I have loved.

I seem to always end up pushing away every person and thing that is good for me. I always choose the hard way, and i end up paying the consequences for it. You'd think that by now I would see the cycle and break it. But instead I did see the cycle, and I chose to make it even worse, by involving drugs and alcohol. I am convinced there is something wrong with my wiring... cause this seriously sucks- knowing full well what your doing isn't what you want, but somehow your body and mind wont let you stop yourself. Its called addiction- its a REAL BITCH.
Stay away from drugs kids.
Anyway going on. I have been dealing with a lot of grief recently- basically most of my life because it never ceases to amaze me how many people I have lost. How many I have destroyed, their hearts and their trust. Don't listen to that voice that says you don't make an impact because trust me you do.
You make a HUGE impact. On every person you pass, whether you are acquaintances or more with them. Even a simple smile at a stranger is an impact.

You know a lot of people call me a quitter. I don't believe them, because I've never quit on one thing- my belief that I can feel whole and complete without love. I like to take the hard road because it teaches you reality, it teaches you life lessons. That's how you gain wisdom. That's where you get clarity when you get stuck in a tricky situation.
I learned, sticking with someone or something that shuts your emotions up is not healthy. I learned the truth about frienship- about love,about whether you mean something.

So many people think that they will never make something of themselves or succeed at life, just cause they didn't achieve this one thing they wanted. But that's wrong, because I might not have been a Broadway acctress or famous or been a top model, but I did succeed. I succeeded at loving many, bringing others together, walking long journeys and gaining strength. Personal success is more important than what anyone else wants for you.

Today, this Thanksgiving, I am thankful for a full life, so many memories, and the time I had here to impact others. I encourage you to chose to impact those around you with beneficial moments, and memories while you still have the time, because time is a precious thing and not to be wasted.
We might never have met, or we may have been close long friends, either way I hope that when you read this, you smile and you feel a warmth in your heart- because that's me right there with you telling you how important you are, and what a HUGE impact you are on so many, including me.